Why do we keep going? Why don’t we give up? Why do we put ourselves through all of this?
Because even though we’ve been beaten down, we still have hope. The rational me can’t believe this is true, but it is. This hope-filled bravado comes and goes, but thankfully it’s back now after a short hiatus. Sometimes though, it’s here one day and not the next. Despair-hope-despair-hope. Up-down-up-down.
Why do I endure physical pain? Why do I endure emotional torture? Why do we put our life on hold at times? Why do we pay huge sums of money for the chance to be pregnant? Why do I fight with my insurance company? Why do we take vacation days to go to the doctor? Why do I get up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning because I’m lying awake thinking that I need to research reproductive immunophenotype? Why do I soldier through conversations where a simple topic can turn into an emotional landmine? Why do I push past the tears when any number of things happen? Why do we endure the heartache and grief from miscarriage? Why do I put my body at risk with these drugs?
Well, the answer is simple and this is only simple thing about this whole journey. I still dream of the little face that will look up at us with our features. I dream of a little giggle. I dream of cute little baby feet. I dream of the little girl or little boy that will call my husband Daddy or Papi. These things are what keep me going.
And, if we’ve given up this much so far, just imagine what we’d do for our child.