Infertility, Our Infertility story

When will it ever be our time?

July 7, 2010

When will it ever be our time?  Our turn?  We’ve waited patiently for four and a half years now.  We’ve been through all kinds of trials and tribulations.  Haven’t we earned the right to be parents yet?  What else do we have to prove?  I feel like I’m on an obstacle course and the end is not in sight.

This miscarriage has been harder for me than the others.  Probably the cumulative effect.  But also, there was an explanation last time, this time there is not.  This time, we heard the baby’s heartbeat, last time we did not.

A year ago, we dreamed to become pregnant again with IVF after our first miscarriage and other treatments.  We did. Twice. And, now have miscarried twice.  Getting pregnant seemed like such an elusive goal, but we got there and it was an illusion.  Just getting pregnant isn’t enough.  Now, staying that way seems vastly more difficult.

I have to say that looking back now, the many years of nothing happening and negative pregnancy tests were easy compared to this loss.   And, I can’t believe I’m saying that.  I honestly feel like I’m being tested or challenged.  And, I hope and pray that I never look back in the future and say that these were the easy times, right now.  I want this heartache to be over.

Since starting IVF, I always thought if we could just hear the baby’s heartbeat, we’d be in the clear.  I remember saying to my friends at the first of the year, “I’ll be able to be happy once I hear the heartbeat.”  I had seen too many women that get a positive first test, then bad news, or all positive tests and then an ultrasound with bad news.  As it turns out, that wasn’t enough.  I also had the expectation that it would happen for us on the second try.  (This was actually our third try, but second try all the way through the process.) Two of my good friends had success on their second round of IVF.   But, we have not.  The point being that so many milestones have come and gone.  So many thoughts of, “Ok, this will be it.”  I feel like I’m out of those.  And, I’m setting my milestone much higher – my only goal is to have a healthy baby who will grow into a healthy child (and, then a healthy adult).

Here’s a few of the “Ok, this will be it.” thoughts:

  • Before I turn 30
  • For this Mother’s Day
  • For Christmas
  • After this D&C
  • After the first miscarriage and we knew we could actually become pregnant at all
  • When we do intra-uterine insemination
  • When we go on vacation and are more relaxed
  • After my uterine surgery
  • After knowing that I have luteal phase defect and it’s treated
  • When we do IVF
  • After our 2nd round of IVF
  • After knowing I have Factor V Leiden
  • After being treated with Lovenox
  • After we hear the heartbeat
  • and on and on and on…

I’m not ready to throw in the towel, but I feel weary of the trying, the emotional ups and downs and the loss.  I feel that we might have to actually consider this may never work.  I have never felt that way before.  There was always something new we learned, some source of real hope of something new to try or do differently.  Right now, there are no answers.  I know that we will try again, but I am not excited about it, just scared of going through this yet again. Scared of facing the end of the road.  We aren’t there yet, but I’m just looking over the horizon with fear and uncertainty.

For my friends and family, it might seem strange that I am so open here, but not as forthcoming in person all the time.  I hope that you understand it’s easier for me to get my feelings out this way and I hope that it will be more helpful for you to know where we’re coming from. I also hope that we have not worn out our welcome in your hearts and your prayers for constantly bombarding you with our news.  I thank all of you for your love and support.

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  • Hi Whitney, It’s JessStillWaits from the boards. I am reading over your story and I can relate on so many levels. If you ever want to be read over my blog, check it out here:

    http://jesstutt.blogspot.com/

    I am so very sorry for your loss. 🙁
    Jessica

  • Allison

    Hey Whitney,
    Reading this post…wow, you have very poignantly described how I felt after our second loss. I know we’ve talked about it before, but I also found it hard to put into words what I felt. I felt hopeless too. I guess I never realized just how similar your present is to my past.

    Don’t worry, you will never “wear out your welcome” and we are always praying for you. We are so sorry for the loss of your baby and I wish I could be there to cry with you and give you a hug in person.

  • Lety

    It is your heart speaking, and I am glad to hear that you are not giving up on becoming a mother. I know it is super hard for ou, but you have the spirit and the heart to overcome bad times. You will know when’s a good time to start things over again.

    My best to you.

  • Sue

    Love you honey! More that words can ever express. I thank you for your honesty, your bravery and your truth. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I am a better person today because I have you in my life.

  • Gary Saunders

    Whitney, Your words are from the heart that you never speak with your mouth, I hope it helps to get them out. Mom and I have no preconceived ideas about what type of family you may ever have. So, do not let that bother you, if it is. We both love you and Erick and your healthy status just as it is. We do not want any endangerment of that status for any result. You both are too precious to us for that. You can do so many things with a good husband and a caring heart. Just relaxxxxxx…..you are very tight right now and have been throughout this process. Let loose and enjoy and just let it be. “Que sera, sera” as the song says! I do not think you could ever bore us with any news from you and Erick. Take the view of our new pup……just be free and happy and enjoy everthing for what it is, approach life with zest, naivete and no preconceptions on anything. If something is not there, it is not meant to be and none of us can change that. We will always love and support you with whatever you decide. Try to feel as happy as you are in your picture below. You are in our prayers daily!

    Love, Mom and Dad

  • I think that you are oh so brave. Now a follower from Creme de la Creme.

    Hope is such a fragile thing. I’m glad you still have it.

  • You’ve been through so much. TOO much. It’s no wonder you are feeling heartbroken. I hope that you achieve your new goal soon.

    (here from creme)

  • Not knowing whether the waiting will eventually lead there or not is so very difficult to bear.

    (Arrived from the crème de la crème list)

  • Here from Creme. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I cannot imagine all those years of trying. I can’t imagine getting BFPs after IVF only to lose them. I can’t imagine losing a baby after hearing it’s heartbeat. I’m so sorry for all those losses, each and every one of them. I know that my words cannot bring you any solace or peace, but please know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts. I hope that it will be your time very, very soon.

    Creme de la Creme 2010 Iron Commenter Attempt
    http://esperanzasays.wordpress.com/iron-clad-creme-de-la-creme-commenter/