When will it ever be our time? Our turn? We’ve waited patiently for four and a half years now. We’ve been through all kinds of trials and tribulations. Haven’t we earned the right to be parents yet? What else do we have to prove? I feel like I’m on an obstacle course and the end is not in sight.
This miscarriage has been harder for me than the others. Probably the cumulative effect. But also, there was an explanation last time, this time there is not. This time, we heard the baby’s heartbeat, last time we did not.
A year ago, we dreamed to become pregnant again with IVF after our first miscarriage and other treatments. We did. Twice. And, now have miscarried twice. Getting pregnant seemed like such an elusive goal, but we got there and it was an illusion. Just getting pregnant isn’t enough. Now, staying that way seems vastly more difficult.
I have to say that looking back now, the many years of nothing happening and negative pregnancy tests were easy compared to this loss. And, I can’t believe I’m saying that. I honestly feel like I’m being tested or challenged. And, I hope and pray that I never look back in the future and say that these were the easy times, right now. I want this heartache to be over.
Since starting IVF, I always thought if we could just hear the baby’s heartbeat, we’d be in the clear. I remember saying to my friends at the first of the year, “I’ll be able to be happy once I hear the heartbeat.” I had seen too many women that get a positive first test, then bad news, or all positive tests and then an ultrasound with bad news. As it turns out, that wasn’t enough. I also had the expectation that it would happen for us on the second try. (This was actually our third try, but second try all the way through the process.) Two of my good friends had success on their second round of IVF. But, we have not. The point being that so many milestones have come and gone. So many thoughts of, “Ok, this will be it.” I feel like I’m out of those. And, I’m setting my milestone much higher – my only goal is to have a healthy baby who will grow into a healthy child (and, then a healthy adult).
Here’s a few of the “Ok, this will be it.” thoughts:
- Before I turn 30
- For this Mother’s Day
- For Christmas
- After this D&C
- After the first miscarriage and we knew we could actually become pregnant at all
- When we do intra-uterine insemination
- When we go on vacation and are more relaxed
- After my uterine surgery
- After knowing that I have luteal phase defect and it’s treated
- When we do IVF
- After our 2nd round of IVF
- After knowing I have Factor V Leiden
- After being treated with Lovenox
- After we hear the heartbeat
- and on and on and on…
I’m not ready to throw in the towel, but I feel weary of the trying, the emotional ups and downs and the loss. I feel that we might have to actually consider this may never work. I have never felt that way before. There was always something new we learned, some source of real hope of something new to try or do differently. Right now, there are no answers. I know that we will try again, but I am not excited about it, just scared of going through this yet again. Scared of facing the end of the road. We aren’t there yet, but I’m just looking over the horizon with fear and uncertainty.
For my friends and family, it might seem strange that I am so open here, but not as forthcoming in person all the time. I hope that you understand it’s easier for me to get my feelings out this way and I hope that it will be more helpful for you to know where we’re coming from. I also hope that we have not worn out our welcome in your hearts and your prayers for constantly bombarding you with our news. I thank all of you for your love and support.