Infertility, Miscarriage, Our Infertility story

What I have lost

August 3, 2010

I get the feeling that people have a hard time understanding miscarriage and what those of us who have gone through it have lost.

Let’s be clear.  I have lost a baby.

But, I feel that is unmentionable.  People reading that would say “Oh, your pregnancy just didn’t work out.”  That’s easier, right?  Unemotional.  I don’t know.  Just a feeling I get from the way it’s discussed in society at large.

But I can tell you that I will always remember the date I lost this baby.  Technically, it was still an embryo.  In one more week, it would have technically been a fetus.  But, to me, it was a baby, a tiny little life, with a tiny little fluttering heartbeat.

We all started out like that, that small, and we developed into a baby, a child, a teenager and finally an adult.

I will never know.  I will always wonder…was it a boy or girl?  Would it have looked like me or Erick? Would it have been technical or artistic?  Blonde or brunette?

I lost the opportunity to “be” pregnant and do all the happy things people do in pregnancy.  Even while I was pregnant, I didn’t even get to enjoy it then because it was such a roller coaster.  I have lost my hopes and dreams, repeatedly.  It’s like a recurring nightmare.

I have lost a little bit of confidence, of hope.

The sad part is the unknown.  I really have no idea of all of the other things I will never even know that I have lost.  Cute dimples, a love for animals, curly hair, a sassy mouth?!?!  I have no idea.  These questions are left unanswered and we will never know.

I will remember when I should have been due.  This will be a hard time for me.  Again, repeatedly, as I have two phantom due dates in the future now.  Two otherwise random days where life will carry on as normal all around me, while I will be silently suffering.  A soldier in my own war.

But, what have I gained? An even more real appreciation for life, for family, for friends, for health, for safety.  Because no matter what happens, I have a good life.  I have a husband that I love dearly and who loves me back.  That’s more than some have.  I’m grateful for that. I really am.  And, a new friend really caused me to think about this recently.  I have become closer to some friends and I have gained new friends that I never would have had because of our shared experience.

I have gained the knowledge I can fight really hard for something.  I have gained the ability to stand up and be unafraid to tell my story. And, I have gained the opportunity to help others who walk in my shoes.

And, I think most importantly, I have gained the awareness to be more compassionate to others in all kinds of situations that I know nothing about, instead of being so high and mighty. I try to remember my situation and apply it them and say to myself, you have no idea what they are going through because you have not lived it personally.

So, though I have lost, at least I have gained something.

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  • This is a really wonderful post. Sad, but very true.

  • Having others understand or even show interest in what happens during a miscarriage or even acknowledge the emotions that are associated with a miscarriage/d&c, is unbelievable. It’s like we’re some sort of freak.

    It has been something I’ve been struggling with lately. Lossing our pregnancy was very hard but dealing with these people that don’t understand and don’t care to understand can be even harder.

  • So beautifully written. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to say I lost a baby. But, I did. I lost a possible future. It is so hard to know how to handle it myself much less have others understand. Thank you for putting it into words so eloquently. ICLW.