Today is a 3.

April 5, 2011

As I was driving down the road today reflecting on a particularly hard morning, I started to cry again.  Things have been going pretty good and I’ve been happier, but then today comes and it has just been hard.

I was thinking my emotions should have their own levels like the national threat levels.

One of these describes every day for me:

1. Regular day. Even if it’s good, there will be some thoughts of our struggle.  One or two Facebook pregnancy/birth comments.  Planning.  Feeling more empowered.  Still have hope.
2. So-so day. Lots of unwanted reminders of pregnancy, but able to shrug it off.  Dealing with insurance.  A stupid comment from an acquaintance. Hope is waning.
3. Bad day. Feeling weepy.  More pregnancy reminders than usual and not able to shrug it off.   A huge bill in the mail for meds or frozen embryo storage.  Lack of confidence.  Hope is hard to reach for.
4. Awful day. A negative IVF cycle.  Bad news from the doctor.  Waiting for beta test results.  Spotting.  Grieving that which may never be.  Hope is a four-letter word.
5. Absolute devastation. This is DEFCON 1.   After a miscarriage.  A phantom due date.  More bad news.  Grieving.  A pregnancy announcement…I know that seems crazy, but sometimes those announcements have the capability to bring back my worst thoughts and relive my darkest days.  Feeling alone.  Completely hopeless.

While a lot of my emotions originate from my situation, some of them also originate from seeing the success of others.  I know this may seem hard to understand by those who have not dealt with infertility or loss.  We are happy for those that are pregnant, but it’s also a painful reminder of our past failures and shattered dreams.  For more on that, read my post “What you say, What I hear.”

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  • I’m so sorry you’re having a bad day. The way you describe your different days – this is so true! Sending you a hug today…

  • I’m so sorry it was such a difficult day. Thinking of you and sending hope that you find the strength you need in those difficult moments ((hugs))

  • Jess

    Sorry you are having a tough day, I can really relate to this chart!

  • I am so sorry you are feeling sad today:(
    I can relate to the feeling of sadness with other’s achievements. I was babysitting my niece today with my mom. My mom thought it would be a great idea to go to the park. although it was very cute and fun at many moments…I would catch myself looking around at all the lucky moms. They looked at me as if I was the mom..but I wasn’t. It sucks..

  • I’m sorry you had a rough day. It’s amazing how quickly one little thing makes me go from threat level green to threat level hot pink. You’re in my thoughts and I hope tomorrow is better.

  • My husband and I came up with a very similar system after our miscarraiges. Instead of having to go into detail how we were feeling, we would just give eachother a number. No questions asked.

    Sorry you’re having a rough day..

  • Olive Niemand

    Sending you big hugs, we know how you feel and understand there is nothing anybody can say that will make you feel better. Thinking of you! Tomorrow will be better again, good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers

    Olive Niemand (twitter)

  • I saw you joined my followers today and I have been reading your blog. I just wanted you to know that I am going to say a prayer for you tonight. Happy Easter sweet girl. xoxo Shelli from a’lamode