As I was driving down the road today reflecting on a particularly hard morning, I started to cry again. Things have been going pretty good and I’ve been happier, but then today comes and it has just been hard.
I was thinking my emotions should have their own levels like the national threat levels.
1. Regular day. Even if it’s good, there will be some thoughts of our struggle. One or two Facebook pregnancy/birth comments. Planning. Feeling more empowered. Still have hope.
2. So-so day. Lots of unwanted reminders of pregnancy, but able to shrug it off. Dealing with insurance. A stupid comment from an acquaintance. Hope is waning.
3. Bad day. Feeling weepy. More pregnancy reminders than usual and not able to shrug it off. A huge bill in the mail for meds or frozen embryo storage. Lack of confidence. Hope is hard to reach for.
4. Awful day. A negative IVF cycle. Bad news from the doctor. Waiting for beta test results. Spotting. Grieving that which may never be. Hope is a four-letter word.
5. Absolute devastation. This is DEFCON 1. After a miscarriage. A phantom due date. More bad news. Grieving. A pregnancy announcement…I know that seems crazy, but sometimes those announcements have the capability to bring back my worst thoughts and relive my darkest days. Feeling alone. Completely hopeless.
While a lot of my emotions originate from my situation, some of them also originate from seeing the success of others. I know this may seem hard to understand by those who have not dealt with infertility or loss. We are happy for those that are pregnant, but it’s also a painful reminder of our past failures and shattered dreams. For more on that, read my post “What you say, What I hear.”