Our surrogate has backed out.
Her husband changed his mind. After we got all the way through the process. After going through countless tests, appointments and counseling. After hiring an attorney. After we actually believed this would happen. After we finally had faith this would work. After we got our hopes up. After we even had already started our meds.
We are shocked and devastated. All it took was one simple little email from her to crumple our dreams yet again.
I am sad, mad, stunned, heartbroken and defeated. I am also sad for her, as I know she really wanted to do this and now has been put in an awful situation.
The fact that it was so unexpected and sudden has really sent me into a tailspin. The reality of the situation leaves me questioning God once again. Not mad, but questioning.
How much should one couple be expected to bear? How many losses like this can one person take? It’s not fair. Why did this even have to happen? Why did we even meet her if it wasn’t going to work out? Why did we have to become so invested in this?
I told my IVF nurse what happened and this was her reply, ” I can’t imagine how one copes with this. Unfortunately, you’ve had practice.” Yes, that’s right, I’ve had practice. I’m tired of being practiced in grief, loss, failure and despair.
I’m reminded of this quote from Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” This seems to sum it up, because I have grown so tired and weary of this journey, yet I can’t give up. I want to, but can’t seem to. There’s no good answer or path. So, I feel like I’m trudging forward, but I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But, I keep going, hoping to get out of hell.
I hate this disease and the emotional turmoil that accompanies it.
Most people can not possibly understand what loss after loss after loss after failure after failure feels like year after year after year. People wonder why we struggle with hope, but we feel as though we’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because that’s what we know — that’s what we’ve lived. I haven’t lost hope and faith, but I feel like they are on a distant horizon and I just can’t get there right now, though I’m chasing after them. It really is a miracle that I don’t feel that all hope is lost. I just feel so sad right now, and I can’t get past that.
This is my prayer:
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
– Isisah 40:31
In better news, we are leaving for Las Vegas later this week for a much-needed few days off. Especially after today. This trip is an amazing gift from Erick’s boss for his 10-year anniversary with the company.