Infertility, Our Infertility story, Surrogacy

this can’t be happening

April 17, 2012

Our surrogate has backed out.

Her husband changed his mind.  After we got all the way through the process.  After going through countless tests, appointments and counseling.  After hiring an attorney.  After we actually believed this would happen.  After we finally had faith this would work.  After we got our hopes up.  After we even had already started our meds.

We are shocked and devastated.  All it took was one simple little email from her to crumple our dreams yet again.

I am sad, mad, stunned, heartbroken and defeated.  I am also sad for her, as I know she really wanted to do this and now has been put in an awful situation.

The fact that it was so unexpected and sudden has really sent me into a tailspin. The reality of the situation leaves me questioning God once again. Not mad, but questioning.

How much should one couple be expected to bear? How many losses like this can one person take?   It’s not fair.  Why did this even have to happen?  Why did we even meet her if it wasn’t going to work out?  Why did we have to become so invested in this?

I told my IVF nurse what happened and this was her reply, ” I can’t imagine how one copes with this.  Unfortunately, you’ve had practice.”  Yes, that’s right, I’ve had practice.  I’m tired of being practiced in grief, loss, failure and despair.

I’m reminded of this quote from Winston Churchill:  “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” This seems  to sum it up, because I have grown so tired and weary of this journey, yet I can’t give up.  I want to, but can’t seem to. There’s no good answer or path.  So, I feel like I’m trudging forward, but I see no light at the end of the tunnel.  But, I keep going, hoping to get out of hell.

I hate this disease and the emotional turmoil that accompanies it.

Most people can not possibly understand what loss after loss after loss after failure after failure feels like year after year after year.  People wonder why we struggle with hope, but we feel as though we’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because that’s what we know — that’s what we’ve lived.   I haven’t lost hope and faith, but I feel like they are on a distant horizon and I just can’t get there right now, though I’m chasing after them. It really is a miracle that I don’t feel that all hope is lost.  I just feel so sad right now, and I can’t get past that.

This is my prayer:

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
– Isisah 40:31


In better news, we are leaving for Las Vegas later this week for a much-needed few days off.  Especially after today.  This trip is an amazing gift from Erick’s boss for his 10-year anniversary with the company.

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  • ebc

    Absolutely heartbroken for you. I am so so very sorry.

  • Jay

    Oh god Whitney, I’m so very sorry. Unfortunately, you have to keep going through this hell, because if you stop, you stay stuck in it and that is far worse.

    The principal message of the Bhagvad Gita (the Hindu bible) is the concept of ‘Nishkam Karmyog’ — working towards something, entirely unemotionally, keeping in mind always that while doing something is in your power, deciding the end outcome of that labor is completely beyond your scope.

    I’ve always thought that is an impossible concept, but I’ve now realized the value of it– I think it is the only way to fight infertility without getting destroyed by the fight.

    Your baby is there- just keep putting one step in front of the other without thinking about it, and if it takes 10 or even 15 years, try to enjoy those years with the other things in life the best you can. This is my CONSTANT, subconcious pep talk to myself. I’m hoping that if I say it often enough, it will take.

  • My heart is sinking for you. When Im having my worst days, when Im getting yet another shot,and when I find out, yet again, this process is not over…I play this song. REALLY loud…Its Matt West, Strong Enough. I sincerly hope it gives you just an ounce more strength to get thru this battle.

  • I am just sick to read this. I’m so incredibly sorry, Whitney. Sending you strength to keep fighting.

  • Nataly

    I have no words, keep going. This is the only way to win this battle…

  • Ugh, I’m so sorry. We’ll be with you as you keep going. *hugs*

  • Rob

    Stay strong, stay the course, fair winds are sure to come! Much love!

  • I just don’t know what to say but I am heartbroken for you.
    I am just waiting for that day when the light breaks through this dark place and you have that baby in your arms.

  • Rebecca

    Whitney,I’m so sorry. Please know you and Erik are in my prayers. I hope you we are all pulling for you two. I hope you’re still looking forward to next week knowing you’ll be among many people who will support you and bring you hope. Try to enjoy Vegas. I’ll see you next week.

  • Jess

    This breaks my heart Whitney. Your journey has been too long, too hard, and it’s just not fair. I do know how it feels to get beat down over and over and how trying to get somewhere and being beat down is almost worse than letting time just pass. It’s been a rough 6 years for you guys of ups and downs and hope and despair, just a constant seesaw.

    I wish I had the words to keep you going or give you strength. I can say, I had given up many many times and was in complete despair and was convinced there was no miracle in store, and there was. But I don’t think I would have believed any one who told me that at the time…

    Please enjoy Vegas. Go see La Reve or KA or O- or maybe even a few of those (there’s discount ticket outlets), if you get a chance, drive out to Zion. It’s beauty has given me strength, it’s where I went when we gave up on IVFs. And eat lots of good food… there is NO shortage. It’s a great city to take care of YOU.

  • Carolyn

    I would be honoured to help you out after hearing your story.
    I live in Canada.

  • I’m so sorry. Is your agency going to help you find someone new? Is any of this covered because she’s the one who backed out? How much did you do in advance without a contract?

    It’s just awful 🙁 But I know there is someone out there that really wants to make your dreams come true.

  • Whitney, I don’t even know what to say. I’m so terribly sorry. Sending so much love. <3

  • M&M

    I am so sorry for this latest loss. Infertility can cause such darkness, grief without bounds. Most of my days are dark, but I treasure the times I feel the hope you speak of. I sincerely hope that the sun breaks through the clouds for you soon.

  • Heather

    Im so sorry this happened. I wish I had more to say to take some of the pain away. Holding you in my thoughts.

  • I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine how devastated you must be! My story may be of little comfort to you now, but I will share it with you in case it will bring you some hope. My sister offered to serve as our surrogate, but eventually backed out early in the process. I felt so betrayed by her and hopeless that we would ever match with or afford to pay a stranger to carry our child. However, we did find our angel, and I am convinced that she was meant to be our surrogate. She gave us twins in 2010 and remains a close friend. I know this is a major setback for you, and those can be so devastating when you have been trying for so long, But maybe this is just another bump in the infertility road and will bring you to a woman who is even better suited to help you fulfill your dreams. All the best to you.

  • The link above to my blog is wrong. I thought I’d re-link it here in case you are interested in reading our story.

  • I stepped away from the computer for a week and I just saw your news on the LFCA. I can’t believe this happened. I feel terrible. It sucks! I hope an answer comes very quickly for you guys.

  • I am so, so sorry … here from LFCA, though I’ve been by before … my heart aches for you. Abiding with you.

  • I’m so, so sorry. What utter devastation.

  • I’m so sorry to hear this.

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