Our first IVF cycle in October was canceled because I was so sick with OHSS, so we planned to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) at the first of the year. Unfortunately, it ended in miscarriage after a long and emotional several weeks.
We ended up being able to freeze eight perfect embryos in October. So, even though that cycle was a disaster and I was in such bad shape, at least something wonderful came from it. We chose to implant two for this cycle and luckily both of them thawed well.
Our transfer was on January 12, 2010. We got a picture of the embryos right before they were implanted. It was a very happy moment for us.
After ten days of waiting for the big day of our first blood test, we got the wonderful news that we were pregnant. I was in shock. The numbers were low and I was really worried, but our second test two days later was positive, too. And, the hcg quadrupled.
We were so elated and joyous, but it only lasted for about a week. I started bleeding and it wouldn’t go away. Because of that, my doctor brought us in for an early ultrasound, where they were able to see the gestational sac. On the day of the ultrasound, I was bleeding even more and had light cramping. I was hysterical and knew things were over. But, the doctor gave us hope and things were doing a little better.
We went back two days later for a repeat ultrasound, and nothing could be seen inside the gestational sac – no yolk sac, no fetal pole. The doctor’s face said it all. He said it was most likely a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is where the baby stops developing, but the rest of the pregnancy develops as normal. It’s something that goes genetically wrong at conception and accounts for a good number of miscarriages.
We were devastated and completely taken by surprise with the news. I was so worried about holding on to my baby that it never occurred to me that something would be so drastically wrong. After four long years, and finally getting good news, it was gone in a flash. It’s such a helpless feeling of loss.
We grieved and were not looking forward to what would come. Several days later, on Sunday, February 7, 2010, I miscarried at 6 weeks. It was painful and emotionally heartbreaking. For someone who hasn’t been through it, I can begin to describe it and I can’t even imagine how hard it would be for someone who was farther along.
Why am I sharing this? I don’t know, it just feels better to talk about it. And, it doesn’t hurt to educate others on the subject. I feel like it’s one of those taboo topics, so I’m breaking the silence. By talking about it, other women have come out of the wood work to share their stories with me. If I had stayed quiet, that wouldn’t have happened and I value these new relationships that I have.
Since this is our second miscarriage, our doctor would like to do genetic testing next just to make sure we aren’t missing something. This journey leaves us feeling helpless and so at least this is something we can do to further our goal. Something we can plan and control to help move us forward. I’m and doer and a planner and it’s hard to want something so bad and not be able to do anything about it. We are doing every single possible thing we can do physically, scientifically, financially and emotionally and the rest is in God’s hands.