Infertility, Our Infertility story, Surrogacy

Surrogacy Update (@&*#%$!)

January 10, 2013

I have been pretty patient throughout this whole surrogacy process, especially since it has been ongoing since August 2012.  The things that matter are going well and I’m thankful for that.

But…it’s frustrating as hell at times!

We have completed the legal agreement and all of us have approved it.  My attorney drafted the agreement, then I reviewed it and we made several rounds of changes.  Then, my surrogate reviewed it and she and her husband approved it as is.  Now, we just need to sign it.

So, now we get the legal bill for her attorney and it’s $1200.  He did nothing!  Literally.  He didn’t talk to her, advise her, make changes.  And, now we have to pay $1200?!?! It’s not right.  Things are starting to get really expensive up in here and paying $1200 for anything is rough.  But, when you are paying for NO services rendered, it just plain sucks.  We just don’t have money to give away and if we did, I’d find a worthy cause and not give it to some I-don’t-know-how-you-sleep-at-night-attorney.

Also, our pre-IVF testing /clinic add-on fee is now going to cost us FOUR times more than I was expecting to the tune of $2350.  The additional amount is for administrative costs. Super!

$3500 just evaporated today for…paperwork.  Actually, let’s just say paper because there’s really no work.  Gone. Just like that.

And, this is just a tiny portion of what we have spent and will spend when it’s all said and done.

Sometimes, I wonder, what the hell are we doing?  Will this ever be worth it?  The answer is we don’t know.  We are only buying a CHANCE to have a baby.  We are not buying a guarantee that we will have a baby.

I’m just angry.  I’m allowed to have a bad day, right?

On a positive note, our surrogate is so amazing and so sweet.  I know we are lucky, but I’m having one of those days where I just want to be the girl that just gets pregnant. No infectious disease testing. No personality tests. No legal agreements.  No hysterosalpinograms. No injections. No waiting seven years. No spending $55,000. It’s just not fair.

For the most part, I have accepted this.  But, today not so much.

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  • Crap! That is ridiculous; I do not blame you at all for being angry, that’s a really good chunk of change all together. I must admit that when I saw those special characters in parentheses in your title I thought the whole arrangement had failed somehow, so I am very glad that you’re still moving forward with the whole process, but I am sorry that it’s costing an arm and a leg (let alone a heart)!

  • Lindy

    It just wears you out, doesn’t it? Always an uphill battle- money, emotions, everything. I hope you’re doing yoga, or meditating, or doing *something* that relieves the stress. Thinking of you.

  • LED

    Whitney…oh, oh, my heart just aches for you. I came across a post of yours from 2011 about infertility testing (we just had a second miscarriage and I was seeking resources about how to handle the grief and possible fertility/genetic testing). I then jumped to this current post wanting to know what had unfolded for you since then.

    Our paths are different…but ambiguous loss (be it miscarriage or not getting pregnant) is is one of the loneliest and most complicated kinds of
    grief there is I think….

    And, so, what I hope will help is to just say: YES YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY – and yes, yes, yes, you are SO allowed to want to be the girl who just gets pregnant without all of this other stuff you are facing. – and I know you probably know this but to just validate your feelings: your anger is totally normal!!! And, good for you for expressing it and “allowing” yourself the space to feel it. As importantly, for allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to share it here – it may seem strange but it

    I’ve learned through my own recent experiences that sometimes you feel “guilty” or “bad” for feeling mad/resentful/angry (insert negative feeling) – that somehow it means you aren’t grateful. Well, you ARE grateful and your anger does not diminish your gratitude. They are separate things – the dichotomy of those is hard to sort out – but you can still appreciate having a sweet, amazing surrogate while also feeling angry about the other stuff surrounding dealing with it.

    It is evident you have been on a very long, trying, emotionally draining journey – I’m exhausted for you and can only imagine how very tired you are – I am wishing for you continued strength and grace.

  • E18harme

    Thanks for posting this. I’m an intended parent and our surrogate is pregnant. Even though I am so thankful, today I’ve been having an angry that I even have to do this day. It’s nice to hear somebody else has tough days with it too.