Update on IVF#6
I haven’t posted in a while, because I don’t know what to say. Things are going well for the most part and this is new, uncharted territory for me.
We decided to go for one more IVF, our sixth, and that if it didn’t work, we’d face facts and pursue adoption. We went through dark times trying to grieve the loss of our biological child. We really were starting to wrap our heads around adoption. I didn’t have much hope at all, but since we had two frozen embryos, we decided to to go for it one last time. In fact, I had no hope if I’m being honest. I was just going through the motions. Then, we had the embryo transfer and had our best thaw ever at 80% and 90% and I couldn’t believe it. This is where low expectations are kind of nice, because then you get to be pleasantly surprised.
After the transfer, I got a little hope back. I think it’s inevitable. After having the embryos transferred, I couldn’t help but root for them. If I don’t have hope for them, who will? I hoped and prayed and felt pretty good about things.
Seven days after my transfer, I took a pregnancy test and got a nice dark line! Then, my first beta was 355 – a great, huge number that anyone could be happy with. Then beta#2 was less impressive as it did not actually double, but was normal with an 84% increase. Then, the third beta more than doubled. I thought I would go nuts on beta#3 day waiting for the phone call. I was seriously going out of my mind and felt sick and was shaking.
I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks 1 day and we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but no fetal pole yet. This was disappointing and inconclusive as it could have been just a tiny bit too early to see that yet. So, now we wait for my follow-up ultrasound tomorrow at 6 weeks 6 days. Tomorrow is make it or break it.
I’m scared to death. I feel positive, but I can’t escape that voice in my head saying, “You’ve been pregnant before and it never worked out.” I am terrified every time I go to the bathroom, afraid to see red. Well, I’m trying my best to push that aside and enjoy this right now. And, I have reason to because things are going well so far. Also, I’ve been feeling nausea with more intensity and for longer periods of time, so that has to mean something, right?
But, really, I just don’t know how to take or share good news right now. I sort of feel paralyzed to do or say anything, afraid that I will be jinxed. (Stupid, I know!) I am content, but I feel a million other things too and it’s all so hard to describe. I feel scared to be happy. I feel scared to share any good news. I feel like it could all be ripped away in an instant, because it has before.
But, I can’t control that and I’m not going to try to. I will happy for this baby…for every day I have it and take it one day at a time.
As a friend said, “God makes babies, not IVF.” Amen. So, I’ll be praying a lot. (And, if you’re the praying type, I’d appreciate your prayers, too.)