I’m posting several posts related to our June embryo transfer retroactively. As things were happening, I wasn’t ready to share. I ended up miscarrying on July 2, 2010. I have decided to share this information now that it is all over to educate everyone on what infertility really means, what it’s like to live with and go through. It’s something I never could have imagined ten years ago. It is my hope that someone reading this may be comforted that they are not alone or that others reading this might be able to understand our or others’ situation better. That is my only reason for sharing my feelings so openly, as I know that many of us are unable to be so forthcoming.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I got my first ever positive result from an HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday. Well, sort of. The line wast faint, but there. Regardless, I see it as very positive and it’s helped to calm my fraying nerves as I await my beta test on Monday, June 14th.
It’s hard to explain the range of emotions that I go through after a transfer. I really started out this round a bit detached. Of course I have hope, but what I have in abundance are the devastating memories of past failures, heartbreak and miscarriage. I am realistic, to a fault maybe, but I don’t know how to change that.
When I came home from the transfer on June 3rd, I wasn’t emotional like the first time. However, I was afraid to do anything. Even though I was on bedrest for 3 days, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Afraid to sneeze. Afraid to do anything fearing that something I would do would cause the embryos not to stick, not to implant or later to become dislodged from their newfound home in my hopefully thick uterine lining.
Then, you second guess every little thing that you feel or don’t feel. I did have some cramping on the day after the transfer and subsequent cramping and light spotting several days later. I see this as a good sign, as this is fairly common, and usually is a result of implantation. So, I HOPE that is what it was. It also stinks that pregnancy symptoms and symptoms of an impending period are very similar.
Since I got this ‘sort of’ positive test, I flew into action because I knew that I would need to start taking Lovenox. The problem is I’m fighting with my insurance company to get it authorized. In an effort to speed things along, I called my doctors and they called the insurance company and told them this is urgent now that I’m pregnant. I’m not comfortable saying that at all despite the test results and I feel all jinxy just doing this stuff, but I have to. I have to do WHATEVER I can to make this work and if there’s any chance that I truly am pregnant now, then I have to do the best I can to keep this baby.
Now, I have to wait 3 days to find out the official results of the beta blood test. Please, God!