Right now, we feel like we will want to adopt. We are in the middle of our final shot at having a baby – IVF#6 and obviously I don’t have much hope for it to be successful. One minute I feel excited about adoption and the next I feel devastated. The idea of adoption makes the hope of a biological child disappear. It means it’s over. This has been very hard to deal with and we’re experiencing loss in a very abstract way that is difficult to explain. We’re mourning the loss of the child that will never be born. We’re losing our hopes and dreams. We’re trying to cope with the loss of four babies from repeated miscarriages. I’m struggling with the fact that some days I feel good about our decision to move on and other days I feel like a quitter and a failure. That’s what comes with the decision to adopt.
We want our family and friends to know a few things about where we stand right now:
- Right now, adoption is not equal to having our own biological child, nor is it easy or affordable. So, please don’t pretend that is. I think if we were to have a child placed, we might change our mind about that. In fact, I’m sure we would. But, for now, that’s not the case.
- Adoption will not heal us. Hopefully, finally becoming parents will make things better. However, I will live with infertility forever. It may get better and not going through treatments will help, but I will always live with this. There will always be triggers that cause me to cringe or crumple on the floor. Even the women I know that have been through this, but have had their own babies, still deal with this on some levels. Some people develop PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) after going through this. There are deep emotional scars that you can’t just erase away.
- Adoption is no picnic. Some would even say it was just as bad as going through fertility treatments. I don’t know yet, but I do know that it will not be easy and will be a long road. It’s many, many hoops to jump through, which will be exhausting, especially after all we’ve been through these last five and a half years. Also, from what I’ve read, if you’re picked and then the birth mother changes her mind, it’s absolutely devastating. It’s not guaranteed.
- Adoption is expensive. Very expensive. Way more than we thought. And, this is emotionally hard to deal with, feeling that you are “buying” a baby. Rationally, I know that you are paying legal fees, medical expenses, etc.; however it seems that you pay more for a caucasian baby, so explain that one to me? That kind of makes me feel sick. Also, we don’t have enough money for it right now, but we’re going to work hard and figure it out. I’m even planning something right now that I hope will pan out that will be like a part-time job for me. And, keep in mind, we’ve already paid close to $30,000, so add $30-40,000 to that and it’s BIG money. This is also frustrating for me that most people just have sex and that’s it –it didn’t cost them one penny.
- I’m glad that you might feel happy for us about the possibility of adoption, but please understand that we have very complicated mixed emotions right now. We hope that we will continue to feel more and and more happy about the possibility as time goes on, but we will still have our bad days and we will still face many challenges in this process.
We are in the process of researching agencies, which is absolutely daunting. What if we pick the wrong one? What if they scam us? What if they take our money and keep it even if the birthmother changes her mind? What if it takes forever? There are a million questions and tons I haven’t even thought of yet. Should we pick a lawyer, a law center, a national agency, a local agency, etc.? Once you choose, you’re pretty committed to that place, so this decision has major implications for the whole process. It’s hard for me to find any I’m comfortable with because the fees are so much and so complicated, that I feel like I’m getting taken advantage of from the start.
I welcome any advice from those who have personally adopted or are going through the process, especially those local to southwest Virginia.
Thank you for your support of us along this journey. We couldn’t do it without you all.