Good news: Another woman has come forward and volunteered to be our surrogate and it looks like it’s serious this time. (Three other situations have fallen through.)
Bad news: She has ridiculously terrible insurance and basically the whole 9 months and delivery wouldn’t be covered. This means we can’t afford it.
After all this time, this is getting old. Just when something amazing happens, it just as quickly does a 180. I don’t want to give up, but how do you know when enough is enough? When is it giving up vs. letting something take over your life? I’m so frustrated and so confused. How do I know what is the right thing to do?
Surrogacy seemed impossible way back when, when my doctor first mentioned it. Impossible and also crazy, as in we didn’t need to do that, to go to that extreme. That’s only something you hear about in the movies. But, at one point, IUI and IVF seemed extreme and hopefully unnecessary, too. Fast forward six years and surrogacy became our last option for a biological child. Sure, some part of us wanted to pursue surrogacy, but we just had one little problem — no surrogate!
So, we started pursuing adoption. Then, lo and behold, someone told me that a very close mutual friend was considering being a surrogate for us. We were shocked and humbled, and started delving into researching how all of this would work. WOW! Let’s just say it’s complicated. So, we got derailed from our adoption path as started thinking about surrogacy. In the end, it did not work out for complicated reasons, but we still are grateful and happy that our friend even considered it.
We got serious about adoption again. I created a Facebook page and a website. I finalized my home study research and picked an agency and I started working very diligently on the home study.
We had our first home study visit scheduled for mid-January. But, right before Christmas, another woman volunteered to be our surrogate. It came totally out of the blue and we were again shocked and amazed. She seemed pretty serious about it and so we started once again researching everything. We also made the decision to postpone our home study meeting because we don’t need a home study for surrogacy and we knew if we went the surrogacy route, then we’d need every penny for that.
We met with the surrogate, I found an attorney, talked to my doctor, found a counselor…
Then, things came to grinding halt when we got the details for the surrogate’s insurance. She called and they do not exclude surrogacy, but it’s a moot point because her insurance can hardly be called insurance at all with its $10,000 deductible! Yes, $10,000! My heart sank. With no prenatal and delivery coverage, adding $10,000 to the already high price tag to do this is just not possible for us.
So, I wanted to find out just exactly what would all of the prenatal and delivery costs be. I called the major hospital in our area and they were the biggest bunch of no-good, helpless, uncaring, inept people I’ve ever talked to. No surprise there. Nobody could give me an estimate or even an idea of how to go about getting one. After 6 phone calls to various offices, I was getting nowhere fast and just in tears with frustration. I called the other hospital and my doctor and they were able to swiftly and efficiently help me. But it wasn’t good news.
They estimated approximately $15,000 for all of the prenatal care. Since she has a $10,000 deductible, we know we’d pay at least that much and probably more. I asked about uninsured and the total was $6500. I could not believe it — what a huge discount. Then, I said, “Can I choose to be self-pay and just not use insurance at all?” They said no, that would be insurance fraud! That’s insurance fraud? I think not…I think insurance fraud is providing a completely useless policy to someone that makes everything more expensive. I think insurance fraud is charging 1/3 the price to one person and full price to someone else. So, we literally would be better off if our surrogate had NO insurance. That is the state of our healthcare system! It infuriates me.
So, I thought, forget about her insurance. MY insurance is the one who needs to be paying for this. After all, it’s my baby, not hers. I just want to use my benefit that everyone else gets to use. My benefit that I pay for. I read my policy and it did not mention, nor exclude the situation of surrogacy. But, I called and they said no. They couldn’t give me a good reason why not, plus this is some drone on the call floor. I am now in the process of writing my letter to my insurance to ask for authorization. I have spoken to an insurance consultant and she thinks I need to get the support of local Senators and/or Congressmen to have a better chance. So, that’s what I’m doing. Some days, I feel ready for a fight and to take this as far as I can and I think, they better watch out, they are messing with a very passionate infertility advocate. Other days, I feel so tired of fighting. I’ve been fighting and clawing my way through this for years and it’s exhausting.
So, I plan to fight this, but I don’t know if that helps our situation right now. Who knows how long that could take? Do we ride this out and see what happens or do we get back to our adoption plans? We will soon have enough money to use a local adoption agency, BUT only if we withdraw ourselves from our IVF program and get our refund. Once we do that, there’s no going back and no chance at surrogacy ever because it would then be even more expensive and just not possible.
We don’t know what to do and feel in limbo yet again. So, if it wasn’t going to work out, why was this surrogate put in our path? Why did we have to get our hopes up? Why did we have to get sidetracked from our adoption plans?
We just don’t know what we should do and could really use prayers for guidance and wisdom.
P.S. I started a Facebook page for myself and for this blog and where I intent to discuss infertility issues, etc. Please join me! I would love to chat and connect with you all on Facebook.