Infertility, Our Infertility story

New Normal

May 16, 2013

I am kind of on “the other side” now.  Not there quite yet, but not in the trenches of infertility either.  This new normal is strange and wonderful.

I’m happy and still a little scared.  I will be until the babies are here in my arms.

I am just feeling like a fish out of water.  Content and grateful, but unsure of my new surroundings.  It’s like I’ve been on the treadmill for so long, and I have just kept going, hoping not to fall off.  But then, suddenly, I’m thrust onto to solid ground and my legs are still shaky.

I don’t know anything about pregnancy.  I don’t know how to be expecting.  I don’t know how to deal with talks of car seats and cribs.

I feel like an imposter.

I just don’t know what to do.  Mother’s Day just passed and I received my first Mother’s Day cards and gifts — baby stuff. The very first baby stuff I have ever owned.  I felt happy getting it, but it was strange at the same time. One gift was a locket from Nicole. ♥  And another was from my parents. I also got a very sweet gift in the mail from an old fertility forum friend. So sweet of her! I feel like I’m living someone else’s life for a day and I’m going to wake up soon.

Also, I am feeling some survivor’s guilt.  Mainly for those that have been fighting for a really long time and and are running out of hope.  We went through hell to get here and I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know that I can be happy for us and sad for others at the same time.

I have said previously that I do plan to blog about our babies and Nicole’s pregnancy, but I have had a hard time doing that and haven’t said much.  I don’t want to offend any of you.  But, this website is about my life, not infertility only.  At times, it has seemed like solely an infertility website though because that’s what my life was.  But, now, my life is changing and I want to embrace that.

So, if you’d like to still hang around, but prefer not to see baby stuff, just subscribe to this RSS feed, which excludes pregnancy posts.

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  • ateam

    I’m so happy for you Whitney. When we fell pregnant with our twins last January, I felt the same way.

    From one twin mom to another, Please don’t fall into the “Twin Pregnancy Frenzy” that I did.
    After struggling so long with infertility, I just assumed this would be the same.
    All the worries and stories about preterm labor. I was constantly reminded of it by strangers who saw my big bump, and I was just plain scared and concerned.
    Guess what?
    I had zero complications, worked on my feet part time, until 3 weeks before I was induced at 37 weeks.
    That’s right, I was induced, we did it!!!!!
    Nicole will do it too!!!!!!! The babies will be perfect!!!!!
    I love reading your blogs, and can’t wait for your updates…..I’m so thrilled for you, You so deserve this special special blessing. And thanks for not sugar coating infertility.

    • Whitney Anderson

      Thank you! And thanks for the comment about the twin risks. Of course I worry about that. My doctor’s calm reassurance helps.

  • Katie

    I understand completely. <3

  • sue

    I love you. Always have-always will. Los frijoles will be the most beloved additions to your wonderful family

    and I am super excited to meet them and smooch them endlessly!

  • Dee

    I totally know what you mean. After 5 miscarriages, i found myself at the end of my first trimester with this successful pregnancy, telling my doctor, I have no idea what happens next! This after being so well-versed in what would happen next as far as testing, protocols, medical treatment of miscarriages with my previous losses. It definitely took adjusting to. And the pregnancy is going by so fast compared to how long the rollercoaster of infertility has dragged on for, in this time period I should have been back at square one a couple times already. I’m 37 weeks and am still partially in denial that within a few weeks I’ll be holding our baby. My only advice is that there may be times when it will feel like the rug can still get pulled out from under you so easily, because of the trauma of past failures, but embrace this precious time as much as you can!