I don’t know how to let go of this dream. I don’t know how to say good-bye.
I have known for quite some time that we may never have a child, but I still had hope. Now, I don’t.
There is no dream any more, just reality.
I have known for a while that we might have to face the facts and I thought I was, but I wasn’t. It’s all hitting me now. Like a ton of bricks.
How I do say good-bye? I guess I’ve been in denial. My mind was able to process what my heart refused to see.
Now that the picture has taken shape, it’s not pretty.
Everyone always said we’d have beautiful children. With my blonde hair and blue eyes, and Erick’s olive skin and Latin good looks. I will never meet that child. And, now I’m grieving that loss both as the babies I’ve lost and as a dream that never was. I’m grieving the little boy with curly hair like his daddy.
I think now that we are really researching adoption agencies, that is causing all of this to sink in.
To really know that dream is gone is devastating. Especially after everything we’ve been through to get there. I guess I thought if we tried hard enough and long enough, eventually it would work.
It’s like we went off-route through a mountain underpass years ago and we’ve been blindly working our way through the tunnel. We went in as two, but were supposed to come out as three. And now we see the light at the end of that tunnel, but we are still two and have to walk out of it anyway.
I think about the babies we’ve lost. Four of them. My first miscarriage changed me. And the subsequent losses only made the wounds deeper.
We always knew in the past, that there was something else to try, but we have run out of the emotional and financial capacity to keep going much longer. Financially, to be able to do something new like embryo biopsies. Emotionally, to continue to do IVFs the same way with no new answers.
Throughout this process, I have learned that you can’t anticipate what you’ll be feeling one month from now or six months from now. But for today, I can say for sure that I feel like I’m done with all of this. I just can’t take any more. I’m so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of IVF. Tired of the emotional rollercoaster. Tired of having to fight for every little detail of my care and micromanage the process. Tired of fighting with insurance. Tired of paying medical bills. Tired of putting myself out there. Just tired.
I always felt some inner strength before to continue on, but now it seems to have slipped away. It’s weird because just months ago, I still had a little hope and some fight in me. I fought so hard for the immune testing and thought that was the answer. But now, I’m feeling like a snake-charmer sold me a dream.
We have decided to do one more last-ditch effort with a frozen embryo transfer (This will be #6). The main reason I’m doing it is because we have two frozen embryos left and we can’t afford to keep them in storage forever and don’t want to have to make a decision of destroying them, donating them or giving them to science. So, we’re going to transfer them and attempt to try the immune treatment. I’m pretty sure this is our last try. Like I said, I have absolutely no hope. Therefore, we are asking that you have hope for us. We really need a miracle now.