I feel like I’ve been on the longest trip of my life and I still haven’t arrived at my destination. I don’t have a map and I don’t know where I’m going.
Looking back now, these five years have been the journey to nowhere and have taken their toll. We’re changed forever–for better and for worse.
This journey has changed so much since the beginning…
- At first we were excited.
- Then we were inpatient.
- Then we were worried.
- Then we were heartbroken.
- Then we were frustrated.
- Then we were excited and hopeful again.
- Then we were scared and overwhelmed.
- Then we were sad beyond belief.
- Then we were sad some more.
- Then we were mad.
- Now we are confused, overwhelmed and just tired. Tired of fighting, but not ready to give up. It’s a hard place to be.
The latest leg of this trip is particularly and surprisingly hard for me and leaves me feeling alone and left behind. I had a hard time identifying with people that were once “safe” to me. It’s hard when you see people around you getting pregnant so easily. I have now found that it’s also hard to see those with varying degrees of infertility issues to be successful as well, because it it makes me feel like I’m the last woman standing. I feel abandoned and forgotten. I am now less than 1% of the population and it’s sad to see myself slowly becoming part of a smaller and smaller group of women.
I had gotten used to my infertility and accepted it. I knew it would be hard, but I thought I had a chance to beat it. I became an IVF veteran. Cycles, injections, retrievals, ultrasounds, blood draws, pain, transfers, hyperstimulation. Even though it was hard, it was all familiar on a certain level. And, now, after fighting for so long, I feel like I have to start over. It’s like when you write a long paper or letter and your computer crashes and you have to go back do it all over again. Except, I can’t write it the same, I have to find a new way. I am scared and confused and I am struggling to come to terms with my situation again.
In the past, any stories of people overcoming infertility gave hope, while now those stories seem like a dime a dozen. At this point, the hopeful stories for women like me with similar histories, are few and far between.
All I know is that I’m tired and weary of the journey to nowhere, with my load of emotional baggage. I need to chart a new course.