Infertility, Our Infertility story

In infertile limbo…

June 20, 2010

I’m posting several posts related to our June embryo transfer retroactively.  As things were happening, I wasn’t ready to share.  I ended up miscarrying on July 2, 2010.  I have decided to share this information now that it is all over to educate everyone on what infertility really means, what it’s like to live with and go through.  It’s something I never could have imagined ten years ago.  It is my hope that someone reading this may be comforted that they are not alone or that others reading this might be able to understand our or others’ situation better.  That is my only reason for sharing my feelings so openly, as I know that many of us are unable to be so forthcoming.

June 20, 2010

A lesson on Beta hCG levels

To determine if you’re pregnant, they test the beta hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) in your blood, which is also called the pregnancy hormone.  Once an embryo implants, half will become the fetus and the other half becomes the placenta.  The placenta starts creating hCG.  The hCG level is supposed to at least double every two days to indicate a healthy pregnancy.  Our first beta was 128, which is a good strong number and indicates pregnancy.  Two days later, our number was only 178, which was not a good sign at all.  And, then after two more days, our number was only 232.  Each of these times, it did not even come close to doubling.

The past few days

Several days ago when I first got news that something was not right with this pregnancy, I was absolutely devastated.  Then, I was mad — mad that it isn’t our time, mad that we don’t really know what’s going on and mad that I still have to do these injections.

Now, I am doing better, but I just want to know what’s going on.  I mean, I’m not pregnant, but I’m not un-pregnant.  I’m very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy at this point, and so I’m worried.  Or, it could be a chemical pregnancy or a regular miscarriage.  None are good options, but ectopic would be the worst. So, I’m doing the only thing I can do right now, which is to educate myself and talk to other women.

And, of course, the Lovenox injections continue to be a dreaded part of my day.  For someone who hasn’t done them, you can’t possibly imagine how bad they are.  They’re bad enough when you know you’re doing it for a very good reason, but to have to continue doing them now is just cruel.

I go back again tomorrow for a fourth beta test and I am going to insist on an ultrasound at this point.  I want to try to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible, so I can get back to regular life.  It’s hard to be between two places in limbo.  I just want this to be over, grieve and put it behind me.

I’d like to have a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, do something active, get off all of these meds and not be so tired.  And, most of all, I’d really like a break from being a human pin cushion – injections every day and blood draws every other day.  My arms and stomach aren’t looking so hot.

You know, a part of me feels like this will never happen, but another part of me could never have imagined that we would have been through all of this and still be in the same place.  I mean, 4.5 years of trying, two surgeries, 6 infertility treatments, 3 diagnosed problems that are all treatable, and two miscarriages.  And, still no baby.  It’s difficult to explain to people the wave of emotions that you feel…helpless, sad, angry, hopeful, resentful, determined.

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