I’m posting several posts related to our June embryo transfer retroactively. As things were happening, I wasn’t ready to share. I ended up miscarrying on July 2, 2010. I have decided to share this information now that it is all over to educate everyone on what infertility really means, what it’s like to live with and go through. It’s something I never could have imagined ten years ago. It is my hope that someone reading this may be comforted that they are not alone or that others reading this might be able to understand our or others’ situation better. That is my only reason for sharing my feelings so openly, as I know that many of us are unable to be so forthcoming.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Today is beta day! I woke up feeling nauseous, which I really hoped was a good sign. I went to the lab and had my test and came back to work. I knew I should be getting my results at around lunchtime. At like 11 am, I put my phone in my back pocket so that I’d be ready when the call came because I was up and down a lot moving around the office and not necessarily at my desk.
I went to the bathroom and got ready to sit down and heard a big splash and thought what the heck? I turned around only to discover with horror that my prized Droid was in the toilet. I immediately fished it out and frantically started trying to dry it off. Since I had just done something ridiculously stupid and I was nervously waiting for my phone call, I had a mini-meltdown in the bathroom.
I called our IT Department and had my intern race the phone over to them for inspection / drying. Then, I called my nurse and told her not to call my cell, but rather Erick’s. Minutes are creeping by at this point and I start looking up the number to my lab to call them directly. I did and they said they’d fax it ASAP to my doctor. Ahhh!!! Then, finally I see an email from Erick with the subject “We are good.” Whew! Beta turned out to be 128, which means I’m officially pregnant.
The emotions that have followed have been crazy. I feel like I’m straddling the biggest divide between elation one minute and worry & dread the next. Then, all over again – this crazy cycle. One second allows my mind to wander to happy places and the next is thinking I started bleeding a week from now the last time when I miscarried.
I feel absolutely lost without my phone and so cut off. I cannot believe I did that – only irresponsible people do things like that, right? It’s going to cost a lot to replace and I just can’t imagine being Droid-less. I feel like like I can’t do anything right today. I also forgot to take my pill when I went home for lunch. When I remembered back at the office, I broke down again. I told my good friend that only a pregnant lady could be so crazy and emotional. Obviously I wasn’t being rational, because the ONLY thing that matters is that I AM PREGNANT!
The good news is that I “feel” more pregnant this time if that is possible. Next up – beta #2 in two days to see if the numbers doubled.