Infertility, Miscarriage, Our Infertility story

I feel so alone.

March 16, 2011

This isn’t a new feeling for me, but it won’t go away.  It’s just dividing and multiplying.

There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better.

My life is always on hold for trying to get pregnant.  I feel like we can never plan anything more than one month out.  Yet, now, trying to get pregnant is on hold, too.  I’m in limbo.

We have no plan.  We don’t know what comes next.  We need to get more tests, but the lab can’t figure out if my insurance will pay.  Even after those results, we don’t know what’s next.

And, not only does pregnancy follow me around everywhere, but now it follows me to the infertile part of my world. It’s painful.

And, not only are the newbie infertiles pregnant, but the girls who’ve had multiple miscarriages and other problems too.  I’m happy for them (for you, if you’re reading), but I’m sad for me.

Online friends.

Real friends.

People whose blogs I follow.

Everyone.

But me.

I feel like the person no one wants on their team in gym class.  This isn’t the Marines, and the “No Man Left Behind” does not apply here.  There are only a few girls that I can even possibly identify with at this point.  It’s bad to have to deal with infertility. It’s unimaginable to have to suffer pregnancy loss.  It’s devastating to deal with both and to have been going at it for so long and still be at square one.  It’s inevitable to compare your situation to others and I’ve always gotten through some tough situations by realizing that many others have had it so much worse.  That is getting tough to do at this point and that is only part of why I feel so alone.  Yet I still realize there are those dealing with worse.

I really feel isolated. Just me on island of my own despair. It’s not a happy place.

And yet, I realize that I am blessed. I live a good life.  I have a nice house and a nice car.  I have a great job.  Most importantly I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend and who I love dearly.  I have a wonderful family and friends.  And, last but not least, thank goodness for my dogs, who for all intents and purposes are my children.

That should be enough. I wish it was. But I just can’t help it.  It’s just this unconscious primal feeling that something is missing.  I’m pretty sure procreation is wired into our DNA.  I didn’t ask for that and I can’t help it.  I just pray to God to finally grant this wish or take this longing from me because I can’t go on like this.

And, don’t worry, I’m “ok” for the most part.  This is the new normal.  But, I just have to let it out every now and then.  I guess this is me grieving the loss of our biological child.  It’s painful for me to even write that.

I sometimes think that if we had decided several years ago not to proceed with fertility treatments, that maybe somehow we would have just moved on.  But, now after having been to hell and back, I am a changed person for having endured all of this.  Who would I have been without having lost four babies (pregnancies)?  I feel like all of this has left emotional scars on me that will never cease to stop hurting.  And, I just wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t chosen this path.  It’s impossible to know, but would I have been better because I wouldn’t have suffered so much or would I be regretful because we never tried to do more?  I feel like retreating, but at the same time, I feel like I could be near the end…that last battle that could win the war.  I can’t give up now.

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  • Kelly

    I had to post (even though now I fall into the pg after RPL group) because I know exactly how you feel and how hellish it is. I could have written this post myself last fall.

    You don’t know how to move forward but where you are currently is just hell. I felt abandoned and alone and like not one person understood. The more times that passed I felt like it got worse and worse. I really took a long, hard look at things and tried to take steps to get unstuck. DH and I started therapy and I looked into support groups. There weren’t any close to me though. Is that an option for you?

    Hugs to you. I know how awful this feels. I wish there were more that I could say.

  • ebc

    i’m not pg and i’m out of realistic options to have a child with my husband. you are not alone. four years trying, three years of treatments, five failed ivf’s with only two that made it to retrieval and one that made it to transfer. a set of lost triplets thanks to a huge medical mistake. i quit my dream job to do ivf. i made life decisions based on the hope of having a family. my marriage has suffered. my sanity has suffered. and we have no real biological options left. again, you are not alone, though i know a lot of the recent blogs and undoubtedly real life makes you feel that way.

  • Lindy

    Whitney,
    I found your blog on Faces of Loss when reading through the stories of other women with Factor V Leiden, and I really wanted to respond to this post.

    I haven’t been going through this as long as you have, but the past year and a half of my life has been a fertility nightmanre. I’ve lost 3 babies, each pregnancy growing progressively shorter (22 weeks, 9 weeks, 6 weeks), and on top of giving birth and a D&C, I’ve had a bunch of MRIs, saline ultrasounds, a unterine septum resection, and tons of bloodwork. After my second loss I found out about the Factor V Leiden (and MTHFR- talk about defective genes!) I was unsuccessful with Lovenox during my most recent pregnancy. Meanwhile,during this time, I watched most of my close friends give birth to healthy babies. There are lots of days when I want to hole up in my house and never leave!

    I can’t say I understand completely what you’ve been through, but I understand the hopelessness and desperation. I understand anger, lonliness, and complete disappointment of losing over and over again. I totally understand the feeling of inadequacy that comes with failure at this one, basic, essential part of life. The toll a high-risk pregnancy takes on the body and mind is so NOT worth it unless it works out in the end. And we can’t give up, because maybe next time it will work out, right? It’s exhausting.

    “I’m sorry for what you’re going through” is such a ridiculous understatement. “You’re not alone” is the only real thing I can say. I’m going to continue reading your blog, and I’m really, really rooting for you. You’ve been so strong, and I know you’ll find a solution to all of this!

    Take care of yourself!
    Lindy

  • Jay

    It really does, absolutely and completely suck to be where you are. But you are not alone- on my own blog roll I can think of a few (maybe 2-3) people who are in the position that you are in (infertility-no-man’s land with no answers why and crazy amounts of money spent), and to make the situation worse, they are doing this alone. Doing this on a single income with no emotional support, I’ve had some idea of what sort of hell it is, atleast the emotional support bit. If you are looking for any sort of silver lining, just having somebody you can count on and fall back on is absolutely invaluable.

    There is very little justice in the world, and so many people who absolutely do not deserve it are suffering in so many ways.It breaks my heart…thinking of you, and all of the others too.

  • Jess

    Whitney- Oh, I’ve been there. And truthfully, I am still there. I just decided to take a different path. But, it was hell getting there. Even though we are moving on to adoption, I know know know how you are feeling. I was so frustrated in the months preceding our decision to adopt- I just felt so left out. I’ve been slowly getting better, but I still have some lingering questions. And I am also trying to make peace with the fact how much infertility and loss has changed my life. I have seen several ladies move on lately too, and it can be sad to know I am not joining them. Anyways, I wish I had something better to say. It just sucks, you don’t deserve it, and your feelings are very normal…I wish we lived closer! Even though we don’t, know I am thinking of you. You are in a tough tough spot that few will ever know.

  • *hugs* I know how you feel. I’m on IVF 4 after almost 4 years of TTC, and two miscarriages (from IVF cycles). It’s an emotional roller coaster — sometimes you are strong and can get through it, and sometimes you’re down in the muck and it’s hard to pull yourself out.

    Thinking of you…

  • Sending you a hug, my dear. You are not alone.

  • Lex

    It is very isolating and sad and hard. I know I’m somewhat still at the start of my journey (2 years, 3 miscarriages) but it also somehow feels like the end. This is just plain tough.

  • Kelly, I have my online support groups and you girls. I’m not even interested in a real life get-together group b/c I know I would feel like the outlier and not have anything in common with them.

    Lindy – Nice to “meet” you. Wow! We do have a lot in common – the FVL and Lovenox, the uterine resection, multiple m/c’s. I can’t even imagine a loss at 22 weeks. I’m so sorry. Have you had a thorough immune workup to test NK cells, etc.

    Jay – you are absolutely right. I have my husband. If I had to pick between the two, I’d pick him right now, but I sure would like both. =) Thanks for the reminder.

    Jes – I hope I can get to where you are. Seems impossible right now.

    • Whitney, I haven’t had the immune workup- my last mc was in January and I haven’t had the guts to go back to my OB’s office (and face all those hugely pregnant women/walls full of baby announcements) since he confirmed the mc. I’ve been reading about NK cells and IVIg, though. That on top of Lovenox won’t be fun. I hate IVs. I’m going to have the testing done if I have another mc or if I don’t get pregnant again by fall- whichever comes first (I hate that I’m just assuming that’s what’s going to happen- so pessimistic!) Have you heard anything from your insurance company about whether they’ll cover your tests or the IVIg treatments? It would be SO expensive to do that and IVF!

  • Hi Whitney,
    I can’t say that I have walked in your shoes but I am feeling VERY similar. Everyone is pregnant, here in blogland and of course, IRL. I am getting lapped and hating it. I have had two IVF cycles, the first one resulted in a m/c at 8.5 weeks. I have had two surgeries and I am not ready to give up but I am tired and sad.
    You are not alone.

  • Stopping over from ICLW from #63 & #153. I really understand this feeling of being left alone. Many of my initial blogger friends are pregnant. It hurts. We’ve been ttc for 4+ years… 5 IUI, 4 IVF. And everyone I know is on baby #2 or done with being pregnant. Its the worst. But just know, there’s always someone else out there similar to you. Hugs. And I hope that you will find your next steps soon.

  • Jessy

    You are definitely NOT alone. I know it feels that way. I struggle with that feeling almost everyday. Hubby and I have been trying for nearly 8 yrs now (been married for 10). We have been through your typical blood tests and not so typical blood tests, sperm analysis, to miscarriages, ultrasounds (both regular and invasive), laparoscopy/hysteroscopy surgery, and now I’m facing the removal of one tube. I feel like I have let my husband down and I also feel like my body has let both of us down. I just turned 30 and just celebrated my 10 yr wedding anniv. they are both milestones and hubby made both occassions extremely special but all I could think of was “my time is running out” “why me?” “why am I being punished?” “why is this so easy for everyone else?”

  • Thinking of you!!! Hugs!!!

  • kate Bentley

    I stand on the other side now – but I will never forget those years of hell. 6 years, 7 miscarriages before my daughter with IVF and lots of drugs. Another IVF 2 years later for a sibling, lost twins at 8 weeks even with the drugs. And then a miracle natural son who just stuck – 10 years in all.

    There are no guarantees – all one can do is stay in the fight – and I know you have the strength and perseverance to do just that

    wishing you every love and luck – you will never be alone

    xxxxxxxx

  • Aubre

    Stopping by from ICLW. Not having dealt with IF initially, I was able to conceive two children without struggle. I am dealing with secondary IF, but have a very good friend whose story is closer to yours, however, she’s never been pregnant. Just trying, trying, trying and living her life two weeks at a time. My heart goes out to you, as it does her. I pray the near future brings you a plan and your take home baby.

    ICLW 149

  • Hi Whitney,

    I’m here from the ICLW. Your post really caught my heart. I am 30 years old and my husband and I have TTC since we married 9 years ago now. Each year, each disappointment brings us both deeper into despair and not knowing. Please know that you are not alone, though I’m sure it feels that way.

    This is not meant to be self gratifying, but I am the editor of The Ladies in Waiting Book Club. We’re a group of ladies who are ALL struggling with infertility in one way or another. It is a completely safe space (read our etiquette page to see how “safe” we keep it). If you like to read, or even just to talk, stop by. The ladies here have become my best friends… I’m meeting two of them next month, I’ve already met up with one… and I talk to others on the phone regularly… it’s been wonderful.

    I hope all of your dreams come true, Whitney.

  • “I guess this is me grieving the loss of our biological child.”

    I just wrote almost those exact words about five minutes ago. You are SO not alone. I am terrible about commenting on blogs but excellent at talking through email, so if you want to chat, please email me. I totally understand everything you’re saying in this post. Big hugs…

  • Visiting from ICLW.
    (((HUGS)))
    I just wanted to say that while you may feel alone…you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. Hope things start looking up for you soon.

  • Andrea Ramsay

    All i can say is a thank you to Dr zogo for making me and my family a happy home, i have been married for 2 years without a child and i had 4 miscarriage within this time, i saw a post that says contact Dr zogo for Infertility help, so i did, after he cast a pregnancy spell on me i get pregnant few weeks later after having sex with my partner as instructed by Dr Zogo, and i am 7 months pregnant now without any complications and i will share another post here after my delivering and i will also give out my personal info, watchout for my next post, so i decide to drop this here for any body going through infertility problem to contact Dr zogo on zogospellcasters@gmail.com and you will be happy you did.,