This isn’t a new feeling for me, but it won’t go away. It’s just dividing and multiplying.
There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better.
My life is always on hold for trying to get pregnant. I feel like we can never plan anything more than one month out. Yet, now, trying to get pregnant is on hold, too. I’m in limbo.
We have no plan. We don’t know what comes next. We need to get more tests, but the lab can’t figure out if my insurance will pay. Even after those results, we don’t know what’s next.
And, not only does pregnancy follow me around everywhere, but now it follows me to the infertile part of my world. It’s painful.
And, not only are the newbie infertiles pregnant, but the girls who’ve had multiple miscarriages and other problems too. I’m happy for them (for you, if you’re reading), but I’m sad for me.
People whose blogs I follow.
I feel like the person no one wants on their team in gym class. This isn’t the Marines, and the “No Man Left Behind” does not apply here. There are only a few girls that I can even possibly identify with at this point. It’s bad to have to deal with infertility. It’s unimaginable to have to suffer pregnancy loss. It’s devastating to deal with both and to have been going at it for so long and still be at square one. It’s inevitable to compare your situation to others and I’ve always gotten through some tough situations by realizing that many others have had it so much worse. That is getting tough to do at this point and that is only part of why I feel so alone. Yet I still realize there are those dealing with worse.
I really feel isolated. Just me on island of my own despair. It’s not a happy place.
And yet, I realize that I am blessed. I live a good life. I have a nice house and a nice car. I have a great job. Most importantly I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend and who I love dearly. I have a wonderful family and friends. And, last but not least, thank goodness for my dogs, who for all intents and purposes are my children.
That should be enough. I wish it was. But I just can’t help it. It’s just this unconscious primal feeling that something is missing. I’m pretty sure procreation is wired into our DNA. I didn’t ask for that and I can’t help it. I just pray to God to finally grant this wish or take this longing from me because I can’t go on like this.
And, don’t worry, I’m “ok” for the most part. This is the new normal. But, I just have to let it out every now and then. I guess this is me grieving the loss of our biological child. It’s painful for me to even write that.
I sometimes think that if we had decided several years ago not to proceed with fertility treatments, that maybe somehow we would have just moved on. But, now after having been to hell and back, I am a changed person for having endured all of this. Who would I have been without having lost four babies (pregnancies)? I feel like all of this has left emotional scars on me that will never cease to stop hurting. And, I just wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t chosen this path. It’s impossible to know, but would I have been better because I wouldn’t have suffered so much or would I be regretful because we never tried to do more? I feel like retreating, but at the same time, I feel like I could be near the end…that last battle that could win the war. I can’t give up now.