I’m having a hard time lately. After my latest miscarriage, I think I rushed things and tried to be “normal” too soon. You can’t run from grief and heartache. It always finds you.
Right now I am feeling in the midst of two worlds — the world of infertility and the world of adoption. I am done with one, but not yet in the other. We are finished with treatments and trying, yet I don’t feel I’m really “pursuing” adoption right now. We want to, but we have a few obstacles in our way.
It’s just a weird place for me. I desperately want a child and I’ve spent the last five and a half years actively battling for that. Now, I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. I want to move forward, but just can’t seem to right now. I know what I need to do –I need to find an agency, but I just can’t seem to dive in. I know I need a break. But, I also feel like time is ticking and I can’t afford the luxury of taking a break. I also feel afraid that after doing more research or picking an agency, I will have my hopes way up and then we won’t be able to do it. I guess its like not going to look at cars, houses, shoes or whatever, because you’ll know you’ll want them more, but you know you can’t have it. So, I’m afraid to look at agencies. All I know is failure, so it’s hard for me to move on. It’s hard for me to actually imagine bringing a child home. So, I am one of my own barriers right now because fear rules me.
How do I move on from losing Baby Anderson #5? What closure do I get?
The most awful part for me is that a life that was created with much love just slips away silently and unceremoniously. I know it was just a tiny fetus, but it had a heartbeat at one point and was a living being. That life is now gone. That little life is the closest thing to a child we ever had and it was flushed down the toilet.
I’m pretty sure nobody wants to hear that, but it’s the truth. And, all the while, life goes on all around you. And, most people just don’t understand how hard it is and how deep the wound is. But, no matter what, I am so thankful for my husband, my dogs and my family. If that’s all I ever have, then I can consider myself a very lucky girl.
I found out this morning that my sister-in-law is in labor (one day after her due date). My very first niece or nephew might be born today. It’s so bittersweet for me. I am so happy for them on a deep level, but on the surface, I don’t feel capable of joining the celebration. I want to. But, my feelings of happiness for them are drowned by my own sadness. It just hurts. They will become parents today. To a living child. Something I cannot do. It’s just a very real, tangible reminder of my own shortcomings and failed journey. And, it doesn’t help that I’m already feeling down lately. I feel guilty and awful for feeling sad on a happy day. Again, bittersweet.
Please pray for a safe delivery for them. I’m hoping this is just one of those trigger moments and that things will get better from here. I get to be an aunt to lovely little person — that is a blessing. At least there will be a child in my life that I can love and spoil.