Infertility, Our Infertility story

Friends and Infertility

October 11, 2012

The picture above is my family, who happen to be my best friends.

Today, a friend of mine in an infertility support group brought up the fact that some of her friends had not been very understanding of her plight.  These friends of hers were normal women who had never experienced infertility themselves.

It was kind of a sensitive subject for me in light of something that had happened recently.  Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable sharing it here just in case she were to be reading.  I can’t believe the lack of perspective that some people have and can’t believe the things that come out of some people’s mouths.

Let’s just say that I wouldn’t complain about having to get a flu shot to someone who just had surgery.  I wouldn’t complain about my unimaginable grief over losing my pet hamster to someone who just said goodbye to their spouse/mother/father.  I wouldn’t complain about my shoe budget being too small to someone who can barely pay their rent.  The result of these types of comments leave me feeling like my struggle has been minimized and the person doesn’t care.

This conversation with my friend also got me thinking that most of the insensitivity that has come my way has usually been from others either just beginning to struggle with infertility or even those that have struggled for a while. I think that’s pretty sad and backwards.  So, three cheers for my “normal” friends and family who are so supportive.  And, boo for the girls out there that ought to know better.

I’m also sad to say that I’ve been used for my infertility.  That sounds weird, right?  It is.  I have had several friends with whom I have bonded over infertility and other things.  Then, when they no longer had problems or resolved their infertility, they literally dropped me like a hot potato.  It was pretty upsetting in each case.  It seemed that they no longer needed me and instead of sticking around to provide some reciprocal support, they hightailed it right away from me.  Like my friend said, “I don’t like people only around for the good times or only the bad times.”  I couldn’t agree more and I guess I’m better off without those friends anyway.

Luckily, for every one girl that’s behaved badly, there’s been about ten good ones.

——–

Update on our surrogacy situation:  We have started the process of the the legal requirements and hit a snag. :/ I wish I could be more forthcoming about it, but I just can’t. My wonderful surrogate is such a trooper and is so selfless with her time and energy for us.  We feel so bad that she has to jump through hoops for us, but are so grateful to her and her family.  We are hoping and praying that this step will be worked out and resolved soon.  If you are the praying type, we sure would appreciate your prayers for both her and us.

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  • Heather

    Said a prayer for you that the obstacle will just melt away. You have been through so much, this is just another hurdle. Sorry about your insensitive friend.

    • WhitneyErick

      Thank you, Heather! ♥

  • I went through a similar situation with a very close friend this week, so I can relate. I’m sorry that people can be so insensitive. And I’m thinking good thoughts about your surrogate. I hope everything works out and the rest of the process runs smoothly.

    • WhitneyErick

      Thank you, Katie! I’m sorry about your friend, too. I don’t know why, but this is something that never ceases to be hard for me. I should expect it and move on. Thanks for your well wishes, too.

  • Thinking of you and sending lots of support and prayers for a smooth legal process your way.

    Also – I was really struck by this post, about how “friends” will latch on in a time of need, suckle you dry and then disappear like nothing happened. It’s so hard to be friends with the takers, especially when you have a heart that just wants to give and give and give. Sharing this over on The Infertility Voice page this weekend – I think more folks need to read this and weigh in. I’d certainly be intrigued to hear what others have to say, or if they’ve had similar situations.

    And, random – I’m in love with your new blog design (I’m usually reading in Google Reader, so I never see it). Well done! Thesis theme?

  • Lindy

    This is one of the hardest aspects of infertility, I think, because a comment that might be helpful for one infertile woman might devastate (or really piss off) another. It’s such a sensitive, personal aspect of life that real, honest conversations about what we’re going through are always emotionally charged. Sometimes there’s literally NOTHING anyone can say to make you feel better and one thousand (seemingly helpful) stupid things they could say that would make you feel worse. We crave connections with people who ‘understand’, but honestly, no one will ever understand. It’s a scary, long, hard trip alone.

    I don’t know if this would be helpful for you, but part of how I’m trying to heal is that I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that no one is ever going to understand what I’m going through, but there are so, so many people who care deeply and really do wish the best, even if they occasionally say a dumb thing. I know that sentiment might sound like a platitude to a weary, broken heart, but I honestly think there’s truth in it.

    I hope life goes easy on you this week, and that you and your surrogate get whatever issue has come up worked out really quickly. Lots of prayers coming your way!

    • WhitneyErick

      Thanks, Lindy. Things with our surrogate are looking up, so we are thankful for that. 🙂

  • Jenn

    I can really relate to everything you wrote. Sending hugs to you, this is such a tough journey and it’s hard when people we care about say hurtful things. So sorry you had to deal with an insensitive friend.

    • WhitneyErick

      Thank you, Jenn. I appreciate the support and I’m sorry you’ve dealt with this as well.

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