The anniversary that I never could have imagined is finally knocking on our door. Five years trying to conceive. FIVE years. 1-2-3-4-5. That’s a long time. Lots has happened and nothing has happened.
To commemorate these five, long miserable years, we’ll be starting with IVF number five for the new year. Five again. I never thought IVF would work on the first try for us, but I didn’t picture it not working after four tries either.
So, we’re starting 2011 with two fives that we never wanted. And, we’re hoping for the best, but at this point it’s hard to muster up any hope at all. Our reserve has gone dry. Hope is a four letter word to me.
People say, “You have to be positive.” No, actually I don’t and I’m not. Absolutely not. Walk in my shoes, and see how “positive” you feel. I’m also not negative. I don’t want to borrow trouble, as my friend Sue says. I’m neutral– I have always been a realist and I look at our situation from a clinical standpoint weighing what I know about my body, my doctor’s opinion and tons of research that I’ve done. [Also, see my Infertility by Numbers.] And, then the emotional side of me is just scared. Scared to go through this again, to put my body through this, to put myself out there, scared for a negative, scared for a miscarriage. Right now, we don’t know if this is just a crapshoot and we’ll get lucky one of these times, or if there is something else wrong with me that yet alludes my doctors.
Yes, it would be great if I could be this zen-like person with overflowing good vibes, but unless you’re smoking dope or blissfully ignorant that’s not happening. This is about science at this point and I’m at the mercy of my doctor being able to get it right and needing plain old good luck. I do believe in a higher power and miracles, but our hope is running on empty. So, we’re left with science and luck.
Just because we don’t feel particularly positive, that doesn’t mean we have given up. My lack of positivity is counterbalanced by my persistence and stubborness. We’re gunning for you this year, infertility! So, here’s to science and luck for 2011!