Infertility, Our Infertility story

Five. Five.

December 30, 2010

The anniversary that I never could have imagined is finally knocking on our door.  Five years trying to conceive.  FIVE years.  1-2-3-4-5. That’s a long time.  Lots has happened and nothing has happened.

To commemorate these five, long miserable years, we’ll be starting with IVF number five for the new year.  Five again.  I never thought IVF would work on the first try for us, but I didn’t picture it not working after four tries either.

So, we’re starting 2011 with two fives that we never wanted.  And, we’re hoping for the best, but at this point it’s hard to muster up any hope at all.  Our reserve has gone dry.  Hope is a four letter word to me.

People say, “You have to be positive.”  No, actually I don’t and I’m not.  Absolutely not.  Walk in my shoes, and see how “positive” you feel.  I’m also not negative.  I don’t want to borrow trouble, as my friend Sue says.   I’m neutral– I have always been a realist and I look at our situation from a clinical standpoint weighing what I know about my body, my doctor’s opinion and tons of research that I’ve done.  [Also, see my Infertility by Numbers.] And, then the emotional side of me is just scared.  Scared to go through this again, to put my body through this, to put myself out there, scared for a negative, scared for a miscarriage.   Right now, we don’t know if this is just a crapshoot and we’ll get lucky one of these times, or if there is something else wrong with me that yet alludes my doctors.

Yes, it would be great if I could be this zen-like person with overflowing good vibes, but unless you’re smoking dope or blissfully ignorant that’s not happening.  This is about science at this point and I’m at the mercy of my doctor being able to get it right and needing plain old good luck.  I do believe in a higher power and miracles, but our hope is running on empty.  So, we’re left with science and luck.

Just because we don’t feel particularly positive, that doesn’t mean we have given up.  My lack of positivity is counterbalanced by my persistence and stubborness.  We’re gunning for you this year, infertility!  So, here’s to science and luck for 2011!

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  • Wow, 5 years. 5 IVF cycles. I have to tell you, I don’t know how you do it. I just failed my first IVF, and I don’t know how you keep going. I guess you just do… For most of my cycle, I was a zen-like person with overflowing good vibes, but it didn’t mean anything. Still didn’t get pregnant. I think it will be different next time…

    I like your persistence and stubbornness – I admire you for this! I like your cheer, here’s to science and luck!!!

  • C

    You don’t have to be positive. I hatehatehate when people tell me that. Like being positive = healthy fetus. I totally get you on wanting to be “neutral” – not optimistic, not doomsday, just aware that anything can happen, and what’s going to happen is going to happen. Best of luck, and I’m so sorry for the five years and five IVFs. No one should have to go through that.

  • Jess

    I understand 100%. I just passed anniversary 5 the first week of December, and it sucked. And my next cycle with donor embryos, will be my fifth cycle. Sucks. But, I think you are level headed and doing the best you can do given all that has happened- and screw anyone who wants you to blow rainbows up your ass! 😉

  • Good luck, Whitney, we’ll be thinking of you

  • ebc

    We are starting our fifth IVF cycle in a couple of weeks too. Like you, I never thought we’d get this far along the path with only losses, negatives and failed cycles to show for it. As my new RE put it so well, this just really blows. Here’s to 2011 being THE year!

  • Here from LFCA- Just wanted to say you are not alone in this long journey. We’ve also had a LONG path and are still fighting. Best wishes on IVF #5!

  • Jess

    Saw your note up on LFCA. I am so sorry we are both reaching Anniversary #5 together. It sucks! I wish that you lived around the corner instead of your brother, so that we could have cryfests and tea together. I am here with you, for whatever it’s worth, and I am rooting us both along to never reach anniversary #6. I think it’s entirely possible.

  • Wow, I’m so sorry it’s been such a long road for you.

  • Sorry this has been such a long journey for you. January was also the start of my 5th year TTC (plus a year or two back in the late 90s). And thanks for talking about being positive…I’ve been working on a post about the same topic. Have you heard of the book called Bright Sided? Interesting look at positive thinking. Best of luck to you! I so hope this year is your year!

  • Ugh. I hate that more than anything. I hate the judging that always occurs in these situations. No one can know what it’s like to be our shoes unless they have been. I’m so sorry. I think 2011 is your lucky year. Hugs!

    (Found you through ICLW!)

  • Anxiousmummy

    Here from ICLW so sorry you are feeling so down. I understand how difficult this anniversary is. Good luck with your new cycle!

  • Here from ICLW and hugs on this unwanted milestone. I am hoping that this next cycle will make your dreams come true.