Infertility, Miscarriage, Our Infertility story

Despair

February 7, 2011

IVF #5 is a big failure.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  We started in January.  After the egg retrieval, I ended up with OHSS again, though thankfully it wasn’t as bad as the last time.  Then, our embryos didn’t do as well and weren’t of as good of quality as before.  But, a few survived and we transferred the three best ones.  I felt so bad that I didn’t even want to go through with the transfer for fear the OHSS would never go away.

Then, I had a week of terrible, non-stop headaches.

Then, my grandmother died, which was mostly unexpected.  It was rough for the whole family.  I started spotting the same day she died.   Then it became worse and I was cramping, too.  The pregnancy test ended up being positive, with hcg at 136.  What the heck?  But, no time to be happy about it, when you’re bleeding.

Now, the only hope was that 2 or 3 implanted and one didn’t make it and thus the problems.  We all prayed for one little fighter.

It would be 3 days to wait until the follow up beta test, during which I was cramping and bleeding some more.

Today was the final test and it confirms the worst.  I am miscarrying again (for the fourth time).  I think this might technically be a “chemical pregnancy” where hcg is detected, but then lost so early that nothing would ever be able to be seen on ultrasound.  My original number of 136 should have doubled, but instead it went down.  And with it, our hopes and dreams again. Even though I knew my situation was not good from all that was going on, I let hope creep back in and now I’m less prepared and devastated.

I freaking hate this day and these numbers.  2/7.  This is the exact date last year when I miscarried.  The second time I miscarried last year was on 7/2.  Same damn numbers just reversed.  I just want to forever skip these dates in the future.

I feel like we’ve been trucking along and had many bumps in the road, but knew we should just keep going, but now we’ve come to a fork in the road and I don’t know which direction to turn.

I don’t know where we go from here, but we have really tried.  Long and hard.  I just don’t know what is next or if there is a next.

———

On the way to the doctor the other day, I was listening to Muse and the lyrics really struck me and seemed to fit what I was feeling and our situation, so I will share the song here.

“Starlight”

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I’ll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

You Might Also Like

  • Just wanted to offer a bit of support over your loss. I wish I knew why these things happened to good people..it just isn’t fair! I just went through my cycle and also developed OHSS (the severe kind) and was down for two weeks. I don’t know everything about your story, but my RE wouldn’t tranfer the embryos with OHSS..he said it is like transfering them into a toxic environment. I’m just kinda thinking “aloud” here…but wondering if that could have been a issue for you? I hope you continue the fight until all your hopes and dreams come true!!

  • ebc

    Just stopping by to say that this totally sucks and blows all at once and I’m sorry (I hate that saying, but have no idea what else to say). If you want to throw things and scream no one would blame you.

  • Cory

    I wish I could hug you right now. I’m so sorry. I wish I had the right words to help take away the pain. 🙁

  • Ousoonerchick

    I’m sorry hun! That sucks!!!!! Hang in there!

  • Nic

    I am so sorry for all that has happened over the last few weeks. Completely sucks.
    x

  • Jay

    I am so very sorry. Its so frustrating when all the science and technology available can fix nothing and the horrible coincidences with the dates…ugh.

    All we can offer you is big cyber hugs, not even the real deal. Just not enough.

  • So sorry to hear of the confluence of bad news. Be kind to yourself. *hugs*

  • Oh no! I’m so very sorry for your losses – this is horrible. Sending you a hug.

  • Patricia

    Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. I was praying for better luck this time. I’m also sorry about the loss of your grandma.

  • I’m so incredibly sorry. Life is so painfully unfair at times and you’ve been through so much more than anyone should have to endure. Sending so much love your way. Hoping you find the strength you need in the coming days and that you and your husband are able to find the best path for you moving forward ((hugs))

  • So, so sorry for this outcome. Sorry for your grandmother and sorry for the miscarriage. How awful to have this all happening at once. Praying for strength and peace for you…

  • Kristel

    I’m so sorry Whitney. I will re-iterate what’s already been said … we don’t know why these things happen. I know how you must be feeling, trust me, I know. And I love the words to that song … so beautiful and at the same time so close to my real feelings. We’re done with everything and it’s leaving me in a bad place because I still have no answers or explanations. I wish I could help you! It breaks my heart to hear of your losses.

  • Rob

    I’m so sorry! Stay strong!

  • AP

    Just wanted to come over and offer some support. I wish I had the magic answer that would make it all better. Hang in there.

    AP