Some days, there’s just nothing you can do to avoid getting hurt.
Like today, I’m cruising through Google reader checking out the fashion blogs I follow and a big ultrasound photo pops up on my screen. I was thinking, “But, wait, this isn’t my infertility group. What?” I decided to lay off following people in the infertility world for a while for this reason, but it doesn’t matter — I just can’t escape it. I know this, but these situations always hit me like a ton of bricks. Some days I handle it better than others.
I just sat here stunned for a moment after seeing that ultrasound photo. The happiness just oozed from the girl’s words and I just thought, “What would that feel like?”
I daydreamed for a few seconds where I thought of happy congratulations from people, setting up a nursery and having a baby shower. Then, back to reality a few seconds later, and I feel like like I was just stabbed in the heart.
And, I think, “Shit! What are we going to do?!? I have to do something.” Then I freak out and don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and hopeless.
I know what I have to do, but I just can’t make it happen quickly. We’re saving money, looking for ways to borrow money and researching adoption agencies. It’s just moving at a snail’s pace, meanwhile I hear the clock ticking loudly in my ear.