Infertility, Our Infertility story

Dagger to the heart

September 25, 2011

Some days, there’s just nothing you can do to avoid getting hurt.

Like today, I’m cruising through Google reader checking out the fashion blogs I follow and a big ultrasound photo pops up on my screen.  I was thinking, “But, wait, this isn’t my infertility group. What?”  I decided to lay off following people in the infertility world for a while for this reason, but it doesn’t matter — I just can’t escape it.  I know this, but these situations always hit me like a ton of bricks.  Some days I handle it better than others.

I just sat here stunned for a moment after seeing that ultrasound photo.  The happiness just oozed from the girl’s words and I just thought, “What would that feel like?”

I daydreamed for a few seconds where I thought of happy congratulations from people, setting up a nursery and having a baby shower.  Then, back to reality a few seconds later, and I feel like like I was just stabbed in the heart.

And, I think, “Shit! What are we going to do?!?  I have to do something.”  Then I freak out and don’t know what to do.  I feel helpless and hopeless.

I know what I have to do, but I just can’t make it happen quickly.  We’re saving money, looking for ways to borrow money and researching adoption agencies.  It’s just moving at a snail’s pace, meanwhile I hear the clock ticking loudly in my ear.

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  • I’m so sorry. I know that can be very hard to see u/s pics when you’ve been through miscarriages. I’ve experienced that myself. The most difficult was when I found one of my own ultrasounds after a m/c. It was in a pile of papers, and I had forgotten it was there. BUT I also must say that I’m so happy for you that you all are beginning the adoption journey! I know that it probably seems so overwhelming right now, but just think: Each day you are one step closer to your baby!!

  • Kelly

    It’s truly just awful and you’re right, there’s no escaping it. After my fourth loss, it took me several weeks to leave the house for that very reason. It was just everywhere…something I wanted so desperately that everyone else seemed to have but me.

  • EB

    Hi Whitney, I came across your website today while looking for reasons for recurrent miscarriages. As of today, I am going through my 5th loss. Been married 10 years, TTC for 8 years, gone through 6 IVFs and have had 5 losses within 5 years. All testing shows we are both completely normal.
    I can completely relate to what you are feeling – feeling like outcasts. Some days I just feel like such a failure when everyone around me is having babies – even 2nd and 3rd ones when I am still yearning for that first one. Still figuring out what to do next…
    I wish you good luck with the adoption process..

  • Jess

    I understand the dagger. I wish I could take it away or drop $40,000 in your lap. In short of that, I am here anytime you need it…

  • sarah

    I am so sorry, I wish there was a program that made sure nothing like this ever popped up on our screens.

    It is the worst when these things come out of nowhere, in a place we least expect.

    Happy ICLW

  • Hugs – I’m so sorry!

  • I am sorry there is no way to hide these pictures. I was surprised yesterday by DH’s ex-girl friend posting a pic of her 30week pregnant belly. How it is so easy for some and so hard for others 🙁

    Happy ICLW

  • I’m so sorry. ((hugs))

  • Karen

    As a, and I like this term I heard another use, survivor of infertility and miscarriage, I’m coming to realize how much I struggle with acceptance and letting go in my life. And nothing has brought out that struggle like my fight to have a baby. But, at this point, I’m feeling resigned. And it’s kind of okay because I’ve realized how much worse my life is when I refuse to accept something and just let it go. Please don’t mistake that for giving up. I still have a year or two left for a few more ivf attempts, which I plan to do. But, I have sort of a sense of peace knowing that in all likelihood, it won’t work and I can accept that and let it go. I just feel better coming to terms with the fact that there are things, no matter how desperately I want to, that I cannot control. Since I’ve had this awakening, it’s become easier for me to deal with things that used to eat me alive….and any woman who’s suffered with infertility and miscarriage knows exactly what I’m talking about. I hope you can somehow find your peace because I feel the pain you’ve been having lately because I’ve felt it, too.

  • Hello fro ICLW. I know just how you feel. When it comes without warning it’s such a shock to see. I know I do much better seeing ultrasound pictures or a baby bump when I know it’s coming. I guess that we just need to be a bit prepared, to practice our “i’m so happy for you face,” first.

    Remember you’re not alone. Hang in there.

  • Amy

    I’m so sorry, Whitney. It always seems to come out of nowhere and it always hurts. I wish there were a money fairy I could send your way. You’ve had so much waiting and hoping already, so of course this in-between stage is awful. I think your impatience is totally normal and expected. You’re doing everything you possibly can, so try to give yourself credit for that…I know, easier said than done. To echo Kate, you are very much not alone.

  • Karen

    Hi, Whitney. Just discovered your blog tonight; we consulted w/Dr. S. last week!
    So many similarities between you and I, I just had to write!
    But, it looks from your pic like you’re a lot younger!
    I didn’t meet my guy until mid-40’s; then, 3 miscarr. in last 5 3/4 yrs.
    I also have celiac. I would be really, really interested if you find out anything more re the connection between celiac and misc; no RE that I’ve talked to, nor any gastroenter., seems to know anything beyond the fact that celiac leads to greater misc. rates – of course, we already knew that — but why, and what to do about it???
    Also, you were mentioning the inversion of the dates: w/me, 2 of my miscarr. were on the same calendar day, 2 years apart!
    What really got me is that in my only pregnancy w/a heartbeat, before the ultrasound had shown the HB, the nurse at the perinatology office had said, over and over, “if you’re really pregnant;’ if you’re actually really pregnant,” if it’s not a chemical pregnancy,” almost as if she were willing it to fail. This is the same perinatologist who refused to prescribe progesterone; then, immediately after I miscarried, she said, ” well, if you want progesterone, I’ll prescribe it.” Aaagggghh!
    I do have a GF website — let me know if you’re interested.
    Also, I have @ least 1 friend who has used donor egg, another donor sperm; another has adopted; talked to one woman in my town who runs a fertility yoga studio (and also recommends acupuncture) – her adoption came through very quickly after she endured nearly 10 years IVF.
    I understand!

  • I have begun weeding through those I follow and unfollow those that are pregnant. I have kept a handful, those that do touch my heart, but the others, i had to remove. The ultasounds, pictures, and gushy words broke my heart over and over knowing we likely won’t ever have that.
    C and I, in the past few months, have become looking into adoption more and more. We are staring our last (well my last, he thinks maybe more) and I am partly afraid of doing it bc right now, my heart is warm to adoption, but will i have to go through months of grieving to get back there?
    I’d love to follow your next story. 🙂

  • Hi Whitney,

    I know you’ve stepped away from the blog but just wanted to say hi and to say I hope that you’re doing well.