Infertility, Our Infertility story

Confused, sad and mad

February 9, 2011

I am not doing well.  I am able to put on my happy face when I need to, but when I am alone with my thoughts right now, I am overwhelmed.  After finding out that this pregnancy wasn’t viable, I’m feeling pretty down. I’m trying to not let this consume me, but it’s hard.  When I think of my life, I have a good life.  I have much to be thankful for, but I still have this issue that is unresolved.

Though I’m not feeling the same sense of loss I have before, I am still grieving.  I am grieving the thought that we may never have a biological child.  Dealing with this possible reality isn’t easy and I don’t know how to work through it.

We need to meet with our doctor to discuss what has happened, but he told me after the last miscarriage that if I had another, he would suggest surrogacy.  By process of elimination they think that there is something wrong with my body (as opposed to the embryos) and unfortunately they have no idea why.  Since he is suggesting surrogacy, we know that he has no confidence that this would ever work for me on my own.  For that and other reasons, I feel like this was our last shot.

I am not opposed to surrogacy, but it is very expensive and complicated. (I do hear it’s cheaper in India–maybe that’ll be our next vacation spot.  Kidding. Sort of.)

In the past, we’ve thought that we’d just try again.  Our doctors said it was just bad luck and to try again.  And, again.  And, again.  And, again.  And, again.  While I certainly do have bad luck with this, it is no longer to be blamed, yet there are no answers. Something else yet unidentified is wrong with me. So, now when you desperately want something, but trying again isn’t an option, what do you do?  I feel like I’m in a dense fog and am lost and blind as to how to navigate this.

We haven’t exhausted every option that modern science has to offer, but when is enough enough?  We’re talking about somewhat controversial treatments, thousands upon thousands of dollars more that we don’t have, having to go to the nation’s best clinics (Colorado or New York), lots more time off work, putting my body through hell, etc.  And, still, all of that would be a shot in the dark.

I know what’s on everyone’s mind and I appreciate that the fact that you have not asked me.  “Have you thought of adoption?”  Thinking logically, I know that might be our only option, however my heart has not opened to it as of yet.  As I told Erick last night, “I want to want to adopt.”  I have heard that you cannot adopt until you have grieved the loss of your biological child.  I think we might be in that process now and it’s devastating.  Not to mention that it makes me feel like a failure and a quitter.  Oh, and adoption costs a fortune (again, that we don’t have.)

A friend sent me a good quote the other day…

“I am wounded, but I am not defeated.  I shall lay me down and rest a while, and then I will rise and fight again.”

I like this, but I don’t know how to fight right now or what I’m fighting.

I’m confused, I’m desperate, I’m sad and I’m mad as hell. Mad at my body.  Mad at the world.  Mad at God.

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  • Jesika

    I’m so sorry 🙁 I know words can’t help right now, but i will keep you in my prayers!

    Just a thought for you, if your doctor seems to think your only other option would be surrogacy, have you thought about switching drs? I don’t know how hard that would be, but it’s just a thought.

    And i love the quote your friend sent you 🙂

  • Lex

    I’m very sorry 🙁
    I don’t really know what to say, I have no advice. If you do try again I agree with Jesika, you would need a different doctor, one who has hope for you and has plans and ideas that could work.

    Take all the time you need to grieve

  • Kelly

    I feel the pain in this post and know it all too well. I could have written this myself a few months ago. It’s absolutely horrible to feel this way and I completely sympathize with you.

    Know that you aren’t alone (((HUGS)))

  • ebc

    You are not a quitter–no one who has been through what you have and done what you have done and survived even a bit intact is a quitter. Should you choose to try something else, you are not quitting, you are making a conscious decision to change paths.

  • Just checking on you ~ I don’t have any comforting words for you. Just know that people are lifting you up in prayer.

  • marilyn

    I am so sorry:( This is really is a common thing among my reading my infertility blogs. this really sucks. When did you find out? There are no words. …..Please keep blogging..I am here for you

  • I’m so sorry. All of the feelings you talked about I have felt, the intense grief and anger over never having a biological child. The uncertainty about how to move forward, the anger at God. I have felt those things intimately this past year. You’re right grieving the loss of a biological child is extremely difficult, but once you let yourself really go there and feel that loss it can help you to move forward. It was what ultimately led us to embryo donation and now I feel for the most part at peace with never having a biological child. I won’t say I still don’t feel tinges of sadness about it from time to time, but I’ve made my peace with this loss and have accepted it. God and I went through a bit of a rough patch for the past few months, but are starting to work through that as well. I say all of this to first validate the feelings you are experiencing and secondly to say for me these things all took time to work through. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself, these are major life challenges. Sending hope that you find the strength you need to move forward ((hugs))

  • I just found you via LFCA and my heart is breaking for you. I had a similar talk with myself yesterday; when is enough enough? How do you know when to move on to the next option? What is the next option? We too are not ‘ready’ for adoption, but thinking about continuing to spend thousands (that we don’t have) on IVF etc, what if adoption is the answer, will we have the money left to do that? Should we start looking into it and will that make us more comfortable with the idea?

    IF sucks. It is full of these emotions that seem uncontrollable like sadness, anger, jealousy, envy and fear. I wish I had the answers. I don’t have the words to take your pain away, but I am willing to listen and know you are not alone. I hope the strength returns, and quickly….
    (I love the quote)

  • You are in my thoughts today. I am so sorry for your losses.

  • Jay

    It really, really sucks not having a concrete answer. I would agree with your RE’s assessment, it is *probably* not an embryo issue. I’ve had a embryo missing and entire chromosome implant and start off a textbook-perfect pregnancy until 9 weeks where its heart just stopped. So genetically abnormal embryos CAN do well in the start, and some of them even make it through an entire pregnancy.

    So surrogacy might be the answer. I’m hoping you can avoid it though- I would hope that vitamin D comes back as deficient for you because if that is so that is an easy fix that works at so many levels.

    Adoption is possible too, but its so wrong that it is sch an expensive, difficult process.

    Maybe you can sit down and work out which way is more expensive- if you try it in India, knowing what I know, I’d say the entire cost there might equal how much adoption costs here.

  • Thank you for such an honest post and I am so sorry you are in this place. It’s so hard to know how much time/money/procedures/etc. are enough. It’s so hard when the next step is not clear!
    Wishing you peace…

  • Sorry to hear that you’ve gone through yet another loss. 🙁 What has your doctor tested for to try to figure out why this is happening? I am new to your blog so I’m unaware of your history. Hopefully he’s pulling out all the stops for you. Surrogacy is an option for sure. There are some great boards online where you can read and decide if it’s for you. Think of it as another path on the journey to where you want to be. 🙂

  • I am so very sorry for your loss. I just had my 1st m/c at the start of Feb. I couldn’t imagine 4… You are an incredibly brave and strong woman to continue on to make your baby dream come true. You may not feel that way right now, but it takes an amazing amount of courage to get back up after being knocked down.

    Wishing you all the best!

  • Thanks again for the note. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I know it’s so difficult and miserable. Hang in there (as best you can).