I am not doing well. I am able to put on my happy face when I need to, but when I am alone with my thoughts right now, I am overwhelmed. After finding out that this pregnancy wasn’t viable, I’m feeling pretty down. I’m trying to not let this consume me, but it’s hard. When I think of my life, I have a good life. I have much to be thankful for, but I still have this issue that is unresolved.
Though I’m not feeling the same sense of loss I have before, I am still grieving. I am grieving the thought that we may never have a biological child. Dealing with this possible reality isn’t easy and I don’t know how to work through it.
We need to meet with our doctor to discuss what has happened, but he told me after the last miscarriage that if I had another, he would suggest surrogacy. By process of elimination they think that there is something wrong with my body (as opposed to the embryos) and unfortunately they have no idea why. Since he is suggesting surrogacy, we know that he has no confidence that this would ever work for me on my own. For that and other reasons, I feel like this was our last shot.
I am not opposed to surrogacy, but it is very expensive and complicated. (I do hear it’s cheaper in India–maybe that’ll be our next vacation spot. Kidding. Sort of.)
In the past, we’ve thought that we’d just try again. Our doctors said it was just bad luck and to try again. And, again. And, again. And, again. And, again. While I certainly do have bad luck with this, it is no longer to be blamed, yet there are no answers. Something else yet unidentified is wrong with me. So, now when you desperately want something, but trying again isn’t an option, what do you do? I feel like I’m in a dense fog and am lost and blind as to how to navigate this.
We haven’t exhausted every option that modern science has to offer, but when is enough enough? We’re talking about somewhat controversial treatments, thousands upon thousands of dollars more that we don’t have, having to go to the nation’s best clinics (Colorado or New York), lots more time off work, putting my body through hell, etc. And, still, all of that would be a shot in the dark.
I know what’s on everyone’s mind and I appreciate that the fact that you have not asked me. “Have you thought of adoption?” Thinking logically, I know that might be our only option, however my heart has not opened to it as of yet. As I told Erick last night, “I want to want to adopt.” I have heard that you cannot adopt until you have grieved the loss of your biological child. I think we might be in that process now and it’s devastating. Not to mention that it makes me feel like a failure and a quitter. Oh, and adoption costs a fortune (again, that we don’t have.)
A friend sent me a good quote the other day…
“I am wounded, but I am not defeated. I shall lay me down and rest a while, and then I will rise and fight again.”
I like this, but I don’t know how to fight right now or what I’m fighting.
I’m confused, I’m desperate, I’m sad and I’m mad as hell. Mad at my body. Mad at the world. Mad at God.