Today I had to go to my doctor for a routine visit. I go to a busy practice with lots of doctors, therefore lots of pregnant women. Not my favorite place, but no big deal.
I made it through check-in, through the main waiting room, and then made it through the tunnel of baby photos.
The nurse took me to a smaller secondary waiting room. I even managed to not even look at the table with its fan of pregnancy magazines splayed out. Is there anything else to read there? Time, National Geographic…no, of course not. There were three other women already seated in this room that amounted to a walk-in closet. Then, a very pregnant woman and her husband came to this waiting area. One of the other women strikes up a conversation with her– when are you due, etc. I inwardly groan, but keep reading my book and try to ignore them. Then, the man is on the phone telling someone that they’re headed to the hospital shortly and then everyone in this shoebox of a room starts oohing and aahing.
As much as I wanted to ignore this, it was a little hard when we were all on top of one another in this tiny room. Everyone was wishing them congrats while I stared a hole through my book and willed myself not to cry. It didn’t work. I teared up, but kept my head down and hoped nobody would notice. I can’t even describe what came over me, but it was such a deep sadness and grieving for what I fear I will never reach. It was such a strong desire to be in their shoes. And, I was so angry at myself that I couldn’t hold it together. I mean, I really thought I was ok.
Finally, they left amid another round of best wishes. By this time, tears are dripping down my face, so I got up and went to the bathroom to compose myself. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t get through such a simple situation. And, what really bothers me is that I walked into something that I thought was no big deal, and I was wrong. Don’t I know myself better? I can’t even trust myself now?
I hope everything went ok for them. They probably went home with their baby today, while I went home with a book called, “Empty Arms” from my doctor. This is just the stark reality.
So, while I wasn’t able to make it out of there unscathed, I did at least have a good visit with my doctor.
This morning was just a typical example of a day in my life lately. I’m cruising along fine, and then I suddenly have to take a rough detour on a rocky, unknown road. I had a similar experience recently while trying to buy a baby gift at Target and another tearful moment while at the hospital when I saw the maternity/neonatal signs.
I accept these realities, and I will get through them, one day at a time.