Infertility, Miscarriage

A day in the life

August 5, 2010

Today I had to go to my doctor for a routine visit.  I go to a busy practice with lots of doctors, therefore lots of pregnant women.  Not my favorite place, but no big deal.

I made it through check-in, through the main waiting room, and then made it through the tunnel of baby photos.

The nurse took me to a smaller secondary waiting room.  I even managed to not even look at the table with its fan of pregnancy magazines splayed out. Is there anything else to read there?  Time, National Geographic…no, of course not.  There were three other women already seated in this room that amounted to a walk-in closet.  Then, a very pregnant woman and her husband came to this waiting area.  One of the other women strikes up a conversation with her– when are you due, etc. I inwardly groan, but keep reading my book and try to ignore them.  Then, the man is on the phone telling someone that they’re headed to the hospital shortly and then everyone in this shoebox of a room starts oohing and aahing.

As much as I wanted to ignore this, it was a little hard when we were all on top of one another in this tiny room.  Everyone was wishing them congrats while I stared a hole through my book and willed myself not to cry.  It didn’t work.  I teared up, but kept my head down and hoped nobody would notice.  I can’t even describe what came over me, but it was such a deep sadness and grieving for what I fear I will never reach.  It was such a strong desire to be in their shoes.  And, I was so angry at myself that I couldn’t hold it together.  I mean, I really thought I was ok.

Finally, they left amid another round of best wishes. By this time, tears are dripping down my face, so I got up and went to the bathroom to compose myself.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn’t get through such a simple situation.  And, what really bothers me is that I walked into something that I thought was no big deal, and I was wrong.  Don’t I know myself better?  I can’t even trust myself now?

I hope everything went ok for them.  They probably went home with their baby today, while I went home with a book called, “Empty Arms” from my doctor.  This is just the stark reality.

So, while I wasn’t able to make it out of there unscathed, I did at least have a good visit with my doctor.

This morning was just a typical example of a day in my life lately.  I’m cruising along fine, and then I suddenly have to take a rough detour on a rocky, unknown road. I had a similar experience recently while trying to buy a baby gift at Target and another tearful moment while at the hospital when I saw the maternity/neonatal signs.

I accept these realities, and I will get through them, one day at a time.

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  • First of all it was not a simple situation at all, you did a lot better than I would have. I would have had to excuse myself and ask to be put into a separate room there is no way I could have sat there at this point at least and kept myself composed. So sorry you had to deal with that today. I know what you mean about so badly wanting to be in their shoes and experiencing that. I’m trying to grieve the loss of never experiencing that…it is very difficult. Thank you for stopping by my blog and your kind words, you are definitely not crazy!

  • Hello, visiting from ICLW & wanting to leave a note of encouragement. First of all, the fact that you were able to get pregnant is very good. You should not discount that or consider that a failure. What needs to be looked at is why you had implantation failure. I see you were put on Lovenox…I also implement the following for my patients who have Factor V w/implantation failure:

    1. Aspirin 81 mg per day beginning at the start of the cycle.
    2. Heparin 2000 units twice per day beginning at the start of the cycle.
    3. Medrol 16 mg daily until transfer then 8 mg from that point until positive pregnancy, then stop.
    4. Increase progesterone to 50 mg injection plus Endometrin 100 mg twice per day vaginally. The injections starts on the day of the retrieval and the suppositories start the day after the transfer.

    You may want to visit my blog to search through the Q&A’s from other IF women from around the world. Good luck!

  • Kristel

    Whitney … I know exactly how you feel. Our last married couple w/no kids just announced to us that they are expecting on Valentines Day. My first thought was “Oh how exciting!”, but then I quickly remembered, “oh wait, I’ll never feel that joy.” For two days I just wanted to crawl in a hole and not look at or talk to anyone that day. I mustered up what little bravery I had and purchased a celebratory gift and a congratulations cake and we drove over to there house and had a little impromptu party. Now … I feel myself avoiding being around them.
    I HATE and loathe feeling this way and I too get mad at myself for acting the way I do. But personally, I’d rather just avoid the situations than to put myself in the middle of them and then have an anxiety attack in front of everyone. (yes that has happened, and unfortunately it happened in front of all of my pageant peers). I haven’t had one of those in a while but I think that’s because when I find myself in a situation like that, I remove myself emotionally and physically. It seems to work for the most part but then I’m left letting out my emotions and feelings on Josh.
    Take care and keep your chin up … remember, you are not alone!!!

  • Oh, Whitney, this has me in tears. I would have been crying along with you if we were in the waiting room together. (How about we do an experiment to see if people ooh and ahh over our injection bruises instead! 😉 ) It’s amazing how quickly and unexpectedly something can set us off, isn’t it?

    Thanks for the comments you left on my blog. So glad to have found yours. (And Go Hokies!)