These days, it’s become impossible for me to relate to or interact with women at the beginning of their infertility journey and lots of others at any stage for that matter.  That’s because we feel completely left behind and like total outcasts. We are the last people standing. Six years of infertility and loss leaves you in a very different place than when you started.  We started with hope, enthusiasm, strength and determination, but those emotions have been replaced with grief , fear, despair and bitterness.  It’s not a pretty place. It’s hard to even imagine our first few years now. I have always been happy to help others in any way I could, but at this point I am just too tired and spent to root for myself, much less anyone else.

The best way I can describe it is by comparing it to the interactions I’ve seen and read about amongst soldiers.  There are the hardened veterans who have been in battle for a long time and there are the green replacements that have never seen combat before.  The veterans know what is in store for them and know that many of them are naive to what’s about to happen.  There’s the feeling of  ”Let me protect you,” but also a feeling of “You have no idea what we’ve been through.”

To see people with success at any level right now is hard because it’s a reminder that everyone but you is having children.  The girls that get pregnant in the back of the pickup truck at 18.  The couples that decide they want to have a kid in September, so they get pregnant in January.  (Gag.)  The people who try for for 6-9 months, freak out, and then promptly are expecting.  The couples that get pregnant on IUI #1 or IVF#1.  And, getting into pathetic territory here.  The couple that tries and tries with many IVFs and finally gets pregnant.  The girls who have several miscarriages and finally make it the whole 9 months.  The couples that lap you and are having their second or third child since you’ve been trying for your first.  And, the “infertile” couple that’s on their second child since you’ve been trying for your first.  Oh, and don’t forget the couples that can afford adoption and are waiting families.   Like I said, EVERYONE but us. Even the really bad infertile and repeat loss people.  Eventually they get things resolved.

There are very few people on this planet at the moment that I identify with.  We are in a very sad, hopeless group.

Sometimes, everything is just painful.

And, right now, even participating in this community has become painful.  It’s doing me more harm than good right now.  I have participated in many forums and many support groups and seen TONS of “infertile”  girls go on to have healthy babies.  Right now, nothing is an inspiration to me.

We are no longer trying to conceive.  We’re on a permanent break because we don’t have any other choice.  And, yes, even my doctor doesn’t recommend that we keep trying.

And, I’m having a hard time accepting it.

In fact, my instincts aren’t firing on all cylinders lately.  I went to fill out paperwork for a new doctor the other day and there was a question that said, “Are you pregnant or trying to become pregnant?”  And, without thinking I checked “Yes.”  Are you kidding me?  Trying to become pregnant??? Hell yes….for forever.  But, sadly, that is not the right answer now.  We are, in fact, not “trying” to become pregnant any more, nor have any dilusions of doing so. In fact, at this point, it would be ridiculous to try under any means, because of the unexplained repeat pregnancy loss.   And, trust me, I know we aren’t trying.  But, why is my first instinct to say yes?  It’s just been so long that it’s hard to imagine we aren’t I guess.  Clearly, I haven’t really accepted this yet.

And, last week, I was cleaning out my closet, and found a kind of blousy top that I thought I should just get rid of .  But then, I thought, I will just save it for maternity clothes.  And, then, two seconds later, I thought what the hell are you thinking?  That ship has sailed.  This has been weird for me, that part of me isn’t with the program and can’t grasp what’s happening.

So, I am slowing backing away if I can.  I will try to reclaim my life that infertility has stolen from me and try to heal.   I want to try to focus on other things.  I want to pretend at least for a while that I have never even heard the word infertility.  Not possible, but I can pretend.  I won’t stop talking about this part of my life, but I am going to try to not dwell on it if that makes sense.